Residents' Association Forum

(Thread for those odd news stories)

Health'n'safety in parks: the realities.

Visitors to Olympic Park near Seattle have being told not to urinate along trails frequented by mountain goats. There will also be one-week trail closures in areas where goats  follow people or "exhibit threatening postures", and if they will not leave an area without people shouting, waving arms or  throwing rocks to keep them at a distance.

... part of a new plan being instituted by park officials to avoid a repeat of the death of Bob H. Boardman of Port Angeles in a goat attack on 16 October, according to the Peninsula Daily News.

[[ I recall in 1984 not being allowed to walk trails in a sedate national Park in Connecticut because the weather forecast indicated that lightning was a possibility.  So much for the land of the brave and free  ;)]]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/space/8639658/Nasa-travels-to-Mars-via-the-Australian-outback.html
Nasa has sent a fact-finding expedition to a remote region of outback Australia which is one of earth's closest matches to the landscape on Mars.  The Pilbara region, in north-west Australia, is being used as a training ground for planetary scientists. The area contains some of earth's oldest evidence of primitive life forms.

An anonymous source of unconfirmed reliability reveals that runner-up in the selection was Oxshott.

Readers with inquiring minds will be relieved to learn that at present the Association does not plan to campaign in a similar way in local elections!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/8643933/Girls-urged-to-strip-to-support-Vladimir-Putin-as-president.html

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/technology-blog/woman-spends-10-000-invisible-art-hopes-she-013437383.html

"Woman spends $10,000 on invisible art, hopes she doesn’t lose it"

http://www.youtube.com/v/b5Mj2EJIEsY?version=3

In case you missed the dog-bites-shark video...

Bizarre! You would think given sharks attack surfers thinking that they are seals that dogs would stand no chance.

depends on the type of shark, many are very timid. I've swam with reef sharks that big in the maldives and they dont tend to come anywhere near you.

A connoisseur's item (especially if your background is in Foreign Affairs!):

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/8666694/Foie-gras-diplomatic-spat-between-France-and-Germany-intensifies.html

A diplomatic row between France and Germany over foie gras has intensified with one minister warning it could have "global repercussions".

Lordy - I hope this doesn't herald World War Three.

Anti-gravity underwear (warning: this invention of 1879 is not yet in working implementation):
http://longstreet.typepad.com/thesciencebookstore/2011/07/anti-gravity-underwear-1879.html

Entirely scurrilous and reprehensible, but it is family and work-safe to view: http://sexymp.co.uk/  (But when you try to vote you may be routed to online poker or other adverts)

Its author notes: "In addition to my wanting to create a fun and memorable tool to help the British public get to know their Members of Parliament, I thought it would be an interesting opportunity to hold the first ever parliamentary beauty contest and find out once and for all which MPs and Parties have the most sex-appeal. Although I fully expect this to offend some people, this was never my intention and I hope you will see the funny side.  Enjoy, Francis Boulle"

Before Richard T points it out, our MP places eighth in the poll of sexy MPs.

Evidently civil servants are attracted to this site: see also http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/internet/8669904/Belly-dancing-and-medieval-role-play-civil-servants-favourite-websites.html  Nice to see the Telegraph's science and technology section concentrating on such weighty themes

Hitler cat 'overlooked for adoption because of markings'  (Telegraph)

The kitty in question:
[img width=300 height=187]http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01959/Kitler_1959295c.jpg[/img]

See also: http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/ where this one is top rated:
[img width=300 height=274]http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/kitler/pics/kitler4196.jpg[/img]

Lordy - http://uk.cars.yahoo.com/18072011/36/pound-150k-flying-car-set-uk-skies-0.html

A flying car for £150,000.

Great, the roads will be clearer........but......can you imagine residents' reactions to overhead noise problems along Station Road?  The close encounters as mothers stack up to land on the Junior School's playing field?  ......

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8675428/Morris-dancers-banned-from-pub-over-bells-on-shoes.html

Samuel Smith tied pub in Durham.  One of the banned Morris dancers complaining about the ban is a council official.

In fairness, the Swan and Three has always been the local pub for the local Morris Dancers in Durham.....  I spent many a Saturday afternoon in there in my student days, and they'd always pop in after they'd done their routine outside on the Elvet Bridge.

If you are stuck on a train or in an airport and bored to tears with crime thrillers you might like this:

Bags of Talent, a Touch of Panic, and a Bit of Luck: The Case of Non-Numerical Vague Quantifiers
by Jarmila Tárnyiková

Meant "as a challenge and invitation to further research in the domain of vague language (VL)....The focus in this study is on a relatively peripheral type of VL, i.e. vague non-numerical quantifiers (VnQs), such as seas of, heaps of, umpteen, a touch of, etc.,
....
Vagueness is not primarily approached as a lack of sound argument, a result of a semi-chaotic behaviour, or the absence of coherent meaning (cf. the terms sloppy
or porous communication with which vagueness is often associated; Grant, 2001, Carmody, 2008); vagueness of content and vagueness of expression are approached
here as a part of talking habits, a part of socio-cultural norms, and a remarkably intricate part of social interaction
......
The following random survey exemplifies some of the communicative situations for which VL seems to be 'designed': the precise information is not available (knowledge
deficit); the precise information is not appropriate (cf. e.g. the strategy of telling white lies); the 'face' of the interlocutors might be threatened (cf. vagueness
as a means of self-protection, – or a way of coping with an unequal social status). VL is also used to make the communication more informal and less tense
(Tárnyiková, 2009). ..Last but not least, VL can contribute to vividness of our encounters by putting an additional flavour of expressivity and emotionality into our exchanges, as will be exemplified by vague non-numerical quantifiers (VnQs) discussed in the following sections; cf. e.g. the strategies of exaggerating (There were mountains of litter and heaps of directives in my office last week.), boasting (With his bags of talent my son must win.), intensifying the quantity by which to back our messages (There were oceans of blood, seas of blood all around.), making compliments (With your oceans of energy you can do miracles.), or expressing disgust or sarcasm (There is not a shred of truth in what you're saying. There is not an iota of common sense in his arguments.)."

Paper may be read here: http://versita.metapress.com/content/t98071387u726916/fulltext.pdf.. Lashings of fun, sort of. 

[url=http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/epic-fail-photos-stopping-fail.jpg][img width=300 height=300]http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/epic-fail-photos-stopping-fail.jpg[/img][/url] (click for full size)

http://www.nola.com/crime/index.ssf/2011/08/man_sues_gretna_police_in_cani.html  Latest of dog-bites-man stories, from New Orleans.

Residents may wonder whether the idea could perhaps be adapted for coping with rioters?  Let's first see the outcome of the $31 million lawsuit....

For the politically incorrect only: http://photoshoplooter.tumblr.com/

e.g. [img width=300 height=164]http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lprjvfP6uL1r1qajlo1_500.png[/img]
and
[img width=300 height=214]http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lpq3yoiES01r1qajlo1_500.png[/img]

Lol!

Philosophy is making great strides towards making the obvious obscure: http://aeporreca.org/2011/08/13/do-waterfalls-play-chess/

But there are traces of enlightenment: "human beings do not possess the computational resources needed to actually achieve omniscience."

Harry Potter: reality sets in for the US-based online magazine Foreign Policy:
http://www.foreignpolicy.com/articles/2011/08/11/post_conflict_potter

.....The hard work of postwar stabilization still lies ahead.
.....Surviving Death Eaters will have to be brought to justice or reintegrated into magical society.
.....What ultimately matters is not just whether something evil was defeated, but whether something good is built in its place.
.....How to deal with the thousands of other wizards and witches who aided the Dark Lord's cause in less obvious ways.
.....The last thing we need is a witch hunt.

Nice idea, implementation a bit cumbersome.  But then, that's foreign policy.

A boy of 11 called a German police emergency line to complain of "forced labour" after his mother told him to help clean the home. (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14533749)

"Four new studies by researchers at the University at Buffalo (http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2011-08/uab-wqf081511.php) have found that when a woman's goal is to be romantically desirable, she distances herself from activities related to science, technology, engineering and math (STEM)

....The final study, Study 3, used a more explicit method of assessing goal pursuit by recruiting women who were interested in pursuing a degree or a career in STEM and asking them to answer questions on a PDA (personal digital assistant) device every night for 21 nights. Specifically, women reported on their daily romantic goal strivings (e.g., "Today, I was trying to be romantically desirable"), intelligence goal strivings (e.g., Today I was trying to be academically competent/intelligent"), romantic activities (e.g., "Today, I called/emailed/texted someone I was romantically interested in"), math course activities (e.g., "Today I did my math homework"), and daily feelings of attractiveness, likability and desirability.

Results showed that on days when women pursued romantic goals, they engaged in more romantic activities and felt more desirable, but they engaged in fewer math activities."

Gosh!  Me, I fancy the ones that can add up correctly.

About a month to go before this year's Ig-Nobel prizes are awarded...

A new way to protest against the DVLA ... if I ever get a parking ticket I'll try this approach!


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1416262/Court-refuses-trial-by-combat.html

LOL!  I thought that had been outlawed some time in the mid 1800s...

Russian foreign ministry a sexist bastion of Slavic males (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/8731217/Russian-foreign-ministry-a-sexist-bastion-of-Slavic-males.html) (says US Ambassador to Moscow John Berle)
....a bastion of Slavic males who went to Moscow's top schools.....Russian diplomats are poorly paid neo-Soviet male chauvinists

I say, chaps, steady on!

Telegraph scores another fine goal LOL: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/8743065/Tourist-complains-about-sight-of-fish-in-harbour.html

I am getting to really like the Telegraph.  Does this mean I am getting old?  I prefer to think that the paper has changed in very recent years to be a genuine Voice of Middle England

The Tories better take notice, or else they'll have to start another newspaper.  O wait - they have the Sunday Times....

Did you see Johnny Black's wonder goal from the half way line btw? - e.g. here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/14777284.stm (http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/14777284.stm)

Batman Batmanning: youtube vid ()
Also:
Batman fail () vid - just in case you are temptd to try.  (Craig - how about doing it on the Island Bridge?  I'll take the photos...)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/travel/8743065/Tourist-complains-about-sight-of-fish-in-harbour.html

I can hardly wait for this year's IgNobel Prize awards on 29 Sep.  One of last year's winners, for Public Health, was Dr. Elena Bodnar, founder and President of the Trauma Risk Management Research Institute in Chicago, for a brassiere that, in an emergency, can be quickly converted into a pair of protective face masks, one for the brassiere wearer and one to be given to a needy bystander

I see this is now being marketed, in a attractive shade for Christmas, along with an emergency shirt http://ebbra.com/ (http://ebbra.com/)'
That's another domain name gone...

in southern Mississippi, (http://www.komonews.com/news/offbeat/129378253.html?) man accused of trying to walk out of a grocery store without paying for food items .... 35-year-old arrested Saturday after allegedly being caught stuffing food into his cargo shorts — two bags of jumbo shrimp, a pork loin and two live lobsters.

http://newslite.tv/2011/09/06/dog-sets-new-world-record-for.html (http://newslite.tv/2011/09/06/dog-sets-new-world-record-for.html):
(http://newsliteimgs.s3.amazonaws.com/110906_dogears.jpg)

Again an outraged Telegraph takes up the lance (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/savings/8748791/Savers-miss-out-on-43bn-in-interest-since-March-2008.html) against the windmills of government:
"Figures from the Bank of England suggest that savers have lost more than £43bn since Bank Rate was cut to just 0.5pc two and a half years ago.

But borrowers have benefited to the tune of more than £51bn, as they have paid less in interest
..."George Osborne has stressed the importance of savers to the economy in the past. Perhaps he will prove a man of his word..."

How naive can you be?!  He's a politician. 

Before the general election, about the first sentence on the Conservative Party website on policy pledges was "We will encourage a climate of saving".  A few weeks after the election, that disappeared from the site.

National Savings (which comes under the Chancellor) have just withdrawn about the only safe  index-linked inflation proof savings 'product' left in the country.

At 0.5% above RPI (previously it used to be 1% above RPI...) it was hardly amazing but then again with RPI so high well it was ok. And it was tax free.

I have noticed they have also withdrawn the fixed interest ones...

The post office are still doing theirs (either 0.5 or 1.5 above RPI for 3 or 5 years respectively)-> but note this is NOT tax free (unlike the NS&I one which was).

This is not capped (the NS&I one was I believe capped at 15k max investment) -> but if you are in the privileged position of having cash to invest then just beware of the risks if you decide to go over the single institution protected limit (85k) as the post office is not 100% protected and in fact it will be the BOI that effectively 'holds the amount'...

This is all a little confusing as the post office also advertises the NS&I bonds... (which is of course not only tax free but 100% protected... well this assuming you believe our gov't won't default!).

Drunk elk stuck in tree (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-14842999)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/8767241/US-police-hunt-toe-sucking-fiend.html (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/8767241/US-police-hunt-toe-sucking-fiend.html")
"Last Saturday, Ruth Harris, 83, told police she was sitting in a chair in front of her apartment when a man approached and said he liked her feet. According to a police report, the man took off one of her shoes and began sucking on her toe."

read more...

Relax, it's in Arkansas

http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/Canada/2011/09/14/18687621.html (http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/Canada/2011/09/14/18687621.html)
Toronto strippers among 'most intellectual'
"We have one of the most intellectual workforces in all of Canada," Tim Lambrinos of the Adult Entertainment Association of Canada said. "Almost half of our dancers at some clubs are students."

Way to pay off your student loans?  Not my darling daughters I hope.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/sep/20/germany-british-food-popularity (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/sep/20/germany-british-food-popularity)
"Germany wakes up to the fry-up as British cuisine takes off in Berlin"

In a lifetime serving my Country abroad including at those gastronomic meccas, New York and Brussels, I often lamented that other nations had a cuisine, while we Brits had only cooking.  With the honourable exceptions of the raised-crust pork pie, the black pudding (disputed with the French) and trifle.  I mean, anyone can roast beef, and only the totally impoverished would willingly eat haggis, or porage.

But now it seems that an exportable cuisine has been identified and the strong British economy, a leading exporter of garden design and rebranding consulting, can now capitalise on bacon and eggs.  Hold your heads high!  :)

(http://www.engrish.com/wp-content/uploads//2011/09/men-between-urine.jpg)

Inscrutable.

Extraordinary what the Daily Mail selects for publication!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2039763/Prostitute-Christina-Vavra-duped-police-officer-using-rubber-penis.html#ixzz1YWU6qQtE (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2039763/Prostitute-Christina-Vavra-duped-police-officer-using-rubber-penis.html#ixzz1YWU6qQtE)
"An undercover police officer used a fake rubber penis to convince a prostitute he was a genuine customer, authorities say."

I can hardly bear to read the rest of the article, can you?

Failblog.org:
[img width=373 height=500]http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/epic-fail-photos-classic-not-the-joyous-future-we-wanted.jpg[/img]

Don't change the reality - change the name...

In another symptom of the present idiotic tendency to think everything can be changed by a little "rebranding", which is an insult to the intelligence of the population, the borough authorities want to change the name of Staines (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-surrey-15000818), Ali G's home town,  to Staines-upon-Thames in the deluded view that this will end negative perceptions of the town.  The proposal is a product of the borough's "economic development theme group" - wow!

Now, I started on a parody of Betjeman's wonderful poem about Slough.  The rhymes Staines ... trains .... drains .... pains... and no brains immediately suggested themselves.  But then, I thought: "If Betjeman had written his poem today, he'd be prosecuted under various draconian laws instituted by the last Labour Government, - and interestingly, not repealed by the present Conservative and LibDem Government.  So I won't risk it...

Here is Betjeman's savage verse, and you can make your own substitutions:

Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!
It isn't fit for humans now,
There isn't grass to graze a cow.
Swarm over, Death!

Come, bombs and blow to smithereens
Those air -conditioned, bright canteens,
Tinned fruit, tinned meat, tinned milk, tinned beans,
Tinned minds, tinned breath.

Mess up the mess they call a town-
A house for ninety-seven down
And once a week a half a crown
For twenty years.

And get that man with double chin
Who'll always cheat and always win,
Who washes his repulsive skin
In women's tears:

And smash his desk of polished oak
And smash his hands so used to stroke
And stop his boring dirty joke
And make him yell.

But spare the bald young clerks who add
The profits of the stinking cad;
It's not their fault that they are mad,
They've tasted Hell.

It's not their fault they do not know
The birdsong from the radio,
It's not their fault they often go
To Maidenhead

And talk of sport and makes of cars
In various bogus-Tudor bars
And daren't look up and see the stars
But belch instead.

In labour-saving homes, with care
Their wives frizz out peroxide hair
And dry it in synthetic air
And paint their nails.

Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough
To get it ready for the plough.
The cabbages are coming now;
The earth exhales.

A multi-storey museum with floor space of 10,000 square metres (http://news.yahoo.com/japan-noodle-museum-opens-doors-134520538.html) has opened in Yokohama.  It is dedicated to the instant cup noodle.    Momofuku Ando, who 'invented' instant noodles and founded Nissin Foods (whose museum it is), is credited with the dictum: "Peace prevails when food suffices"

Yes, it's hard to believe the world economy is collapsing and we will shortly be roasted when the ozone layer is stripped, isn't it?!

"SEPTEMBER 21--Angered that his Taco Bell drive-thru order failed to include hot sauce, a Missouri man returned to the fast food restaurant and allegedly pulled a shotgun on an employee, who fled in fear from the takeout window." - http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/taco-bell-hot-sauce-rage-345678 (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/taco-bell-hot-sauce-rage-345678)

"A robotic micro-assembly process inspired by the construction of the ancient pyramids and relying on several thousand flagellated bacteria acting as micro-workers"

Food for thought:  http://ieeexplore.ieee.org/search/freesrchabstract.jsp?tp=&arnumber=5353964 (http://ieeexplore.ieee.org/search/freesrchabstract.jsp?tp=&arnumber=5353964)

Hmnnn... my next novel, set just a little way into the future,  will examine the ethical dilemma faced by an overseer of flagellated bacteria as many die during the construction of a museum for Lost Things.

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/canada/breakingnews/mounties-arrest-bc-man-who-was-selling-drugs-out-of-his-underwear-130347793.html (http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/canada/breakingnews/mounties-arrest-bc-man-who-was-selling-drugs-out-of-his-underwear-130347793.html) "...his undershorts were outfitted with a hidden, zippered compartment containing small packets of cocaine, meth and heroin.  They also turned up some illicit prescription medication and a can of bear spray."

Hmnnn, bear spray..... Me, I use Old Spice.

irish verdict:
http://www.independent.ie/national-news/man-died-from-spontaneous-human-combustion-inquest-finds-2885633.html
Michael Faherty (76) -- also known as Micheal O Fatharta -- died as a result of the phenomenon, spontaneous human combustion, according to west Galway coroner Dr Kieran McLoughlin.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/earthpicturegalleries/8785083/Animal-pictures-of-the-week-23-September-2011.html?image=1

A few million virtual monkeys (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-15060310) are close to re-creating the complete works of Shakespeare by randomly mashing keys on virtual typewriters.

Contains a few gems.

And Labour Party policy at their conference (do I hear you ask?):  four monkeys, ten minutes is the estimate overheard in Colets men's changing rooms.

If you have a magnetic resonator and are not squeamish about maths, this offers the best chance yet of understanding what your spouse is really thinking:

Fast Robust Automated Brain Extraction
by Stephen Smith (Oxford Univ.)

....Brain Extraction Tool takes about 5-20 sec to run on a modern desktop computer and is freely available.....
download (http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/hbm.10062/pdf) pdf file of abt 1.1MB from the journal Human Brain Mapping.

International Journal of Obesity:
Thinness and body shape of Playboy centrefolds from 1978 to 1998
Katzmarzyk & Davis (York Univ. Ontario)

Playboy centrefolds were examined (subject ages 19-35 yrs)
Body Mass Index calculated.  77.5%  were less than 85% of their ideal body weight.
Conclusion: Highlights social pressures on women to be thin.

Comment: assumes women read Playboy....
At least it was Canadians funding this research.

"A man has claimed that his wife was raped by an "invisible man" (http://www.asiaone.com/News/AsiaOne+News/Malaysia/Story/A1Story20110928-301983.html), Sin Chew Daily reported from Sarawak.  The couple lodged a police report but police were left clutching at air.

In case you need some quick cash and have a spare cat to sell!

As a bonus you will be reducing your outgoings as well (think of the savings for not having to buy pet food, litter, vet bills etc!)!

http://www.webuyanycat.com/index.asp

LOL - I am constantly uplifted by the amazing energy and diversity of the human race in pursuit of entertainment in these stricken times.

Apparently my mums cat is worth 37p.

(Do you think it's time I got a job???)

I love the Ig-Nobel prizes
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-15117051
Australian beetles will try to copulate with discarded beer bottles, but they have to be of the right type

The phrase ‘mating error’ is going to become current, I suspect.
They don’t say whether the behaviour is more pronounced after the beetles consume the beer, so further research is clearly required.

Irresistible if you live in Barnet:
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3637/3399440248_789928031d.jpg)
http://www.flickr.com/photos/35219912@N03/3399440248/

Collectors' item (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8816635/BBCs-mangled-subtitles-anger-viewers.html):
"The BBC has been criticised by deaf groups over "ludicrous" computer-generated subtitles which have labelled the Labour leader "Ed Miller Band" and announced "a moment's violence" for the Queen Mother. ...Deaf people have expressed their shock at being told a town was expecting a visit from the "Arch b**** of Canterbury" during one local BBC news broadcast. "

Now, while this is indeed of passing amusement, and while the BBC is quite often at fault, this is oldish news exploited by the right-wing press to bash the Beeb (the Mail ran a similar story last April).  The computer-generated subtitles in real time allow the deaf to read text instantly to accompany many live broadcast news items where without them, NO subtitles would be provided.  Yet instead of being praised for this advanced promotion of accessibility, the Beeb is castigated by the supporters of commercial television.

A certain amount of credit is also due for providing us with a laugh, both at some of the subtitles generated and at the specious outrage of the bourgeoisie !

Yours,
Disgusted of Thames Ditton

This sort of thing always strikes my funny-bone, and reminds me of Lawrence Durrell's amusing spoofs on Diplomatic Life in Serbia e.g. "Frying the Flag" (http://www.ralphmag.org/frying-the-flagO.html) in Esprit de Corps:

      ...."Mrs. Schwartkopf has cast off clothes of every description and invites inspection."

      "In a last desperate spurt the Cambridge crew, urged on by their pox, overtook Oxford.".....

As one who did time representing this country behind the Iron Curtain, where for a while one of my duties was to oversee publication of a quarterly magazine called "Brytania" in Poland, compiled back in London by the somewhat ironically-named Central Office of Information, I know that Durrell's stories were an inside job! (Durrell was Press Attache at our Embassy in Belgrade, among other things)

I still have yet to do a typo-free issue of Thames Ditton Today, too; although I can see that editors of other more distinguished organs have the same problem.

awesome strong ostrich (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/picturesoftheday/8819761/Pictures-of-the-day-11-October-2011.html)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8816635/BBCs-mangled-subtitles-anger-viewers.html


I used to watch Formula One with the sound turned off, just subtitles, and listen to the radio.

You'd have thought the subtitles would be easier to create with Murray Walker gone! I can only conclude that the team that used to do it have long since gone - especially as from 1997 to 2008, the team was working for ITV...

The Telegraph is not immune from errors in titles - here's a caption from 'image 1 of 2' (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/rugbyunion/international/england/8822387/Rugby-World-Cup-2011-former-RFU-vice-chairman-Fran-Cotton-will-head-up-review-of-entire-England-structure.html) today, accompanying news of a review of the RFU:
"End of the line: the RFU are launching a full investigation into England's poo World Cup performance"

It was poo, wasn't it?!

If they correct it now, you know that they read our high class forum....

Sorry this made me laugh - apparantly the govt is advising the FA to sort out all the debt that football clubs have:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/15275218.stm

My favourite quote attributed as the 'governmet response':
"Debt per se is not always a bad thing, but it must be genuinely sustainable"

Oh the irony ...

Talk about pot calling the kettle black eh?

I love the way "sustainable" is added to everything dubious these days to make it sound respectable!  Sustainable debt, indeed!  Used to be called running a perpetual overdraft.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8827602/Golfer-shoots-goose-on-course.html

Tried, and acquitted on the grounds that he acted to preserve public health or safety.  A dangerous precedent?  How about the waterfowl that crap along Albany Reach?  Then there are the foxes who crap all over my lawn... Hmnnnn...

New York Daily News:
(http://assets.nydailynews.com/img/2011/10/14/alg_phoenix_jones.jpg)
Superhero (http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2011/10/13/2011-10-13_phoenix_jones_seattle_super_hero_reveals_true_identity_ben_fodor_at_court_hearin.html)  Phoenix Jones peeled off his cowl at a court appearance to reveal his true identity. "In addition to being Phoenix Jones, I am also Ben Fodor, father and brother. I am just like everybody else," Fodor announced after tearing off his black and gold mask......witnesses told police they were messing around and dancing when a masked vigilante in black and yellow body armor rushed in wielding a canister of pepper spray.

Living in Seattle will do that to a person...

Wanna kick butt?

Nigel "Spud" Ely, ex-SAS, author of 'For Queen and Country*', is auctioning a bronze buttock from the statue of Saddam Hussein toppled in Baghdad after the invasion.

Pure gold for the Sun's (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3866434/What-am-I-bid-for-Saddams-bottom-Hero-sells-piece-of-tyrant-statue.html) headline writers:  "the bottom line....  cheeky deal..."
----------

* an Amazon reviewer writes of this book: "Having already read a book called "Terminal Velocity" by Steve Devereux I did not expect this to be a word for word copy, even the photographs were the same in both books.Identical story, different cover, title and author pseudonym"

One of the BBC's quotes today, well in the Colemanballs spirit:

"Argentina are the second best team in the world and there is no higher praise than that." Kevin Keegan....

I guess he headed that ball too often!

Ah some classic Keegan quotes - a small compilation :

'England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest football nation in the world.'

'You're not just getting international football, you're getting world football'

'The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful.'

'I want more from David Beckham. I want him to improve on perfection.'

'The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23'

'I'll never play at Wembley again, unless I play at Wembley again'

'England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none'

'Shaun Wright-Phillips has got a big heart. It's as big as him, which isn't very big, but it's bigger'

'Luis Figo is totally different to David Beckham, and vice versa'

'I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona.'

'The good news for Nigeria is that they're two-nil down very early in the game'

'There's a slight doubt about only one player, and that's Tony Adams, who definitely won't be playing tomorrow.'

'Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.'

'He'll also be very dangerous from set-pieces. That means he'll be a threat from free-kicks and corners in the final third of the field.'

'They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that.'

'We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half'
 

Wonderful - I hadn't realised KK had such command of the language.

Strictly research - from one of my favourite sites: http://www.improbable.com/2011/10/17/smell-mediated-response-in-flies-%e2%80%94-the-dance-video/ (http://www.improbable.com/2011/10/17/smell-mediated-response-in-flies-%e2%80%94-the-dance-video/)

    Our dance depicts the social and sexual behavior of the common fruit fly. Fruit flies are attracted by the smell of rotting fruit where they collect, feed and interact. Males compete against one another for female mates. In addition, males perform a sequence of courtship behaviors. First, they tap and chase the females. Thereafter, they encircle the females while playing a song by vibrating their wings. Then, the males orient themselves at the rear of the females’ abdomen to lick their body. Finally, males attempt copulation. Females can reject the males’ advances with several responses such as flicking of wings and kicking.

    This choreography also illustrates how male-male relatedness can reduce the intensity of male-male competition and affect female choice. When two males are related, they are predicted to show less aggression towards each other. Also, females preferentially mate with males that are related to the first mates because there might be immunological and survival costs associated with mating with males that are unrelated to their first mate. Furthermore, we demonstrate the importance of smell in mediating the recognition of relatedness.

Check out the vid - it's as clean as fruitflies can be...

RPI is now at 5.6% ...   ???

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-15344297

Does anyone really believe the BOE when they say they expect it to drop to 2% next year??

And unfortunately - the post office have dropped their rate to 0.25% for the 3 yr issue... (which is taxed so not as good as the N&SI deals of yore).

If the gov't was serious about encouraging people to save again - then they really need to offer an inflation linked option as otherwise all guaranteed fixed rate savings accounts (as I can't find one higher than 5.6%...) are losing money in real terms.

I suppose the low rates are great if you're a net debtor (like me) but not so good for those who have been sensible and saved up their retirement money ...

This kind of headline would be incomprehensible to Shakespeare:
"Digg Founder Rose Shows Oink Social Tool" (http://http://www.informationweek.com/thebrainyard/news/social_networking_consumer/231901230/digg-founder-rose-shows-oink-social-tool)
But he would be interested in its technological etymology.

And now we hear from Councillor Colin Davis (Conservative, Staines South) - here he is:
(http://www.spelthorne.gov.uk/pic_colin_davis_small.jpg)
that those who opposed the name change at a public meeting were "trying to disrupt the workings of the council."  ......

Staines has been Staines (or Stanes) for nearly a thousand years at least (Domesday).  On the other hand, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, as the bard has it.

The Department for Work and Pensions suggest that doctors should regard a patient returning to work as an “essential” indicator (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8861475/GPs-to-tell-long-term-jobless-to-find-work.html) of successful clinical treatment.

............................ hmnnnnn .........................

"So, Mrs Problem, it's been ten weeks since your bypass and still no job.  I'm very disappointed in your progress."

"Well, Doctor, I have been applying, but there isn't anything available in Brixton for Art Historians."

"That's not strictly true.  The Job Centre informs me that you were recently offered a post at minimum wage as overnight janitor at B&Q, a noted supplier of expensive paints."

"As a former professor of Fine Art I did not think I could bear the monotony."

"I see.  Well, I have waitlisted you for a lobotomy, which I think will solve your difficulty.  There's an excellent service provider for brain surgery set up by the Health Minister's nephew, with a hundred percent success record in placing the survivors in jobs where they seem quite happy.  This is one area at least where Government funds are still available.  It improves our clinical statistics too, so you will be supporting the surgery."

"Thank you, Doctor."

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-world/2011/11/01/rail-bosses-in-holland-to-give-male-passengers-bags-to-pee-in-115875-23529000/

What will they do for female passengers, in the interests of equality?

In case you missed Monday's Utah News (http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/52817997-78/police-selleneit-centerville-shooting.html.csp), the paper reported from romantically-named Centerville:

Michael Selleneit, 53, was charged with attempted murder after he shot his neighbour Tony Pierce in the back.  He told detectives he shot Pierce for "telepathically threatening" to kill Selleneit and his wife.  "Selleneit also claimed that Pierce had telepathically raped his wife on many occasions," according to the police statement. 

A cautionary tale!

The Telegraph's fashion choice for the week..... LOL
http://fashion.telegraph.co.uk/news-features/TMG8864986/Prabal-Gurung-the-red-carpets-new-darling.html

Really, she reminds me of a Christmas cracker on legs. 

I think I will stick with old chinos and a polo shirt....

"Through a network of volunteers, the Center for Biological Diversity (http://www.endangeredspeciescondoms.com/) is giving away 100,000 free Endangered Species Condoms in 2011 as  an engaging, lively way to get people talking about the unsustainable growth of the human population"

How could I have missed that, ermmmm,  seminal piece from Tucson,  Arizona?

It sets one's imagination racing, doesn't it?....

"God, Hermione, how I want you!"

"Mmmmm...Tarquin, put this on"

"Oh yes - I've been meaning to talk to you about the unsustainable growth of the human population ever since the office Christmas party."

"Consider yourself on the Endangered Species list.  I'm off to watch Downton Abbey instead

Readers will have their own fantasies, though.

"authorities plan to outlaw a book about sex published by a group of Muslim women who call themselves the Obedient Wives Club (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/malaysia/8869041/Malaysia-to-ban-sex-manual-for-obedient-Muslim-wives.html)"

I am laughing at what a sketch of the Thames Ditton Disobedient Wives Club will say  ;D

The concept of Obedient Wives is so very shocking!  ;)

And the concept of Obedient Husbands has never been raised!

The Oban Times - "A technical hitch saw Oban’s community fireworks all released at the same time at Mossfield Stadium tonight,November 4 2011.

The display,which usually lasts around half an hour,barely lasted a minute as a spectacular number of fireworks went off simultaneously."

See video... ()

Network Rail message (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/wildlife/8873405/Delays-on-the-mane-line-lion-alert-shuts-Shepley-rail-station.html), for Shepley station, near Huddersfield: “Passengers are currently unable to alight from trains at Shepley due to reports by police of a lion in the area.” The alert was issued after police received a call from a lady assuring them that she had seen a lion and her cub outside the Cask & Spindle pub in the village.

So think yourselves lucky.  At least there were no leaves on the lion.

(The article notes that a dozen police officers, backed by the force helicopter and with a specialist firearms unit on standby, were dispatched to the area, but found no sign of the beasts.  Was she telling the truth or just lion?)

Rugby player who had stroke woke up gay and became hairdresser (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8878301/Rugby-player-who-had-stroke-woke-up-gay-and-became-hairdresser.html)  - the Telegraph gets into neuroscience.

Hmm, if he was sitting next to me and he'd woke up gay and then had a stroke I'd be worried!!

Midibob

The Corduroy Appreciation Club (http://corduroyclub.com/) is holding an event in New York on 11/11/11 - the date 111111 "which second most resembles  corduroy"....

Anyone going?

[[ Edit:  Flex: I've fixed your link for you.  There's guidance in the top forum thread on the website. ]]

Pedro and Buddy to be separated (http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1085094--same-sex-penguins-must-separate-soon?bn=1)and forced to mate with females.

Contains assertion that the survival of a species is bigger than  the ambiguous love between two male penguins.  Viral news story on the other side of the pond.

From BattleRattle (http://militarytimes.com/blogs/battle-rattle/2011/08/23/for-marines-in-afghanistan-be-careful-where-you-fart/) & the Marine Corps Times ("a family newspaper"):

"audible farting has been banned for some Marines downrange because it offends the Afghans"

Italy's Silvio Berlusconi in his own words (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-15642201) - positively Berlusconian

Scary story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/8898322/Terror-scare-as-pilot-locks-himself-in-toilet-of-New-York-flight.html

....imagine it happening during the Olympics with ground to air missiles on hair-trigger while a jumbo in this situation was over Thames Ditton.....

http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2011/nov/17/downton-abbey-kirstie-new-boring  If you're feeling vaguely irritable and frustrated by life, here's the rant for you. "A mind-numbing cultural diet of Downton Abbey, Adele, home-baking, crafts à la Kirstie Allsopp and novelty knitwear is crushing the spirit of the nation. Rise up against the New Boredom...."

I must confess that in good faith I tried an episode or two of Downton Abbey when it started, but I found it as engaging as a picture of roses on a tin of chocolates, nodded off, and gave up.  But the Queen Of My Heart loves it.

And I'd never heard of Kirstie Allsop, but have now Googled her, as they say.

I have to agree - I gave it a go (Downtown Abbey) and it just was not for me... so its another show the OH likes that I don't... pretty soon we will need two tv's!!

I did enjoy the recent remake of Upstairs Downstairs though on the beeb (shown just after xmas last year... I had a lot of time on my hands in that lull period!! ;) ) and have to confess am looking forward to the 6 more they have planned.

Me, I like Garrow's Law - very well made and enough intellectual content on law and history to balance the soap!  'The Jury' was quite good too - ditto.  Killing Part 2 starts Saturday.

Otherwise, with the possible exception of Frozen Planet (not as good as earlier Attenboroughs I'd say), things are rather thin as the ghastly grim Christmas season approaches....

Frozen planet is AMAZING!!!!!  The footage even beats Blue Planet I thought (which I thought would never be beaten!).

It has to be some of the beebs (along with discovery and some other partners) - finest work!

And in HD too !

Its worth the annual license fee on its own!!!

For those who do not read the Sun as a matter of course: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/health/health/3940426/Ive-had-the-tip-of-a-pool-cue-up-my-nose-for-12-years.html

Extremely useful online Shakespeare Insult Kit: http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2011/10/shakespeare-insult-kit.html

You pribbling sheep-biting maltworms, you.

Nice little story in the local Guardian - http://www.elmbridgeguardian.co.uk/news/9372335.Samurai_sword_report_was_tai_chi_equipment/ (http://www.elmbridgeguardian.co.uk/news/9372335.Samurai_sword_report_was_tai_chi_equipment/)

I'd love to know what were the police's "strong words of advice", Louise...

Who has the whip hand?
Independent hosts a well-written article on dominatrixes (http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/fantasies-fetishes/unleashed-the-secret-world-of-britains-dominatrixes-6263209.html) (or should that be dominatrices? - no, either plural will do, it seems).  The author concludes with the amusing thought that 'it's all right as long as they don't hurt anyone'... !

Unsurprisingly, it tops the list of Indie articles Most Viewed, today, ahead of the rather more surprising hit: Antibiotic-resistant infections spread through Europe

Apropos, over the past few years local history & research I have adventitiously come across and filed away a few tidibits about the Seamy Side of Thames Ditton.  It is a delicate subject: but if you have details either historic or recent that might bear exploring, then please get in touch to discuss, - confidentiality guaranteed.  Perhaps I will have to leave a time capsule for future historians to find, when living swingers are past caring!

Youtube vid gone viral (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=3GRSbr0EYYU) - entitled 'Jesus Christ In Richmond Park' -  Benton the black Labrador goes into action...pursued by owner...

You need your sound turned on.

I shouldn't laugh, but it get funnier every time I watch it. ;D

There is now even a great pastiche "Jesus Christ in Jurassic Park ()"

From Reuter USA desk: More victims reported in "fix-a-flat" cosmetic surgery case (http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/11/23/us-usa-florida-buttocks-idUSTRE7AM1UY20111123") of a Florida resident accused of injecting "super glue" and flat-tire repair materials into the buttocks of a woman in a botched illegal cosmetic surgery procedure"

American friends tell me that Reuter changed the headline from its original "Probe widens in buttocks-enlargement case"

The first case was published by the New York Daily News (here is the article - (http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/transgender-woman-arrested-injecting-fix-a-flat-patient-rear-article-1.980273) surprised you missed that Admin). They kindly illustrated the results of the cosmetic surgery - as you see from that link.  Don't look if you are squeamish about really fat bottoms, but clothed.

The Sun would doubtless have had some cheeky headline.  I am now going to see whether they have run the news item!

Loneliest seal in the world, shunned by her colony for being ginger (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2066258/Ginger-seal-shunned-colony-star-Russian-zoo.html)

What is this thing about ginger, for Pete's sake?  I have always found ginger hair and green eyes irresistable!  (but not in seals, before you think the wrong thing)

The latest in hard-hitting exposés:

Mickey Mouse Was A Rabbit (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/8919889/Lost-Disney-cartoon-shows-how-Mickey-Mouse-was-originally-Oswald-the-Lucky-Rabbit.html)

And no, they didn't hack his voicemail.

CNN's internation edition reports: "Pakistani woman suspected of killing, cooking husband (http://edition.cnn.com/2011/11/25/world/asia/pakistan-husband-stew/index.html)"

No recipe is given.

Hey, cheer up folks!  Who said Britain didn't have a engineering base flush with new products?  This latest product stream should get higher up the wall:

"British company Captive Media thinks it has developed a product that fills a gap in the market - a urinal mounted, urine-controlled games console for men." (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-15923438)

And now for the other half of the population?....

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/wildlife/8927325/Dog-shoots-man-in-buttocks-US-police-reveal.html

This was last weekend.  The Telegraph must have been sitting on the story.

One for Craig:

£2.6 million of scrap metal (http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/12/05/2-6-million-mass-supercar-crash-may-have-been-caused-by-speeding-police-believe-115875-23611922/)

Nothing quite like the spirit of Christmas:
Telegraph - " A father had his finger bitten off in a brawl with another parent as they waited for their kids' nativity play to begin" (http://residents-association.com/forum/index.php?action=post;topic=473.105;num_replies=107) ...at a primary school.

I saw this, they must have been all travelling incredibly close to each other to have this many cars involved. I'd say the 90mph speed is (ahem) a little on the conservative side though.

Some quite rare stuff in there too, shame.

This is the kind of stuff that sets a local historian's heart racing.... "Kaiser Willhelm's urinal found at bottom of Baltic" (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/germany/8942921/Kaiser-Willhelms-urinal-found-at-bottom-of-Baltic.html)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/8952539/Brokeback-Iceberg-penguin-finds-female-mate.html - what it's all about!  The world-famous gay penguin saga.

In case you had residual questions about ostriches (not the kind you find in Parliament, but the feathered kind):
Ostriches have bloodless erections, according to researchers (http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/16112188) at Yale.

Clearly an important line of research - leading perhaps to the junk emails of the future?

Best worst Christmas cards:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hgrant/26-of-the-best-of-the-worst-family-holiday-cards

Safe For Work and well worth a visit if you think Christmas needs perfecting a little.

Very good - though I would say a few were border line (not) safe at work!

Juninho, where do you work?

All looked pretty harmless to me.

he's a priest :D

I work at a bank !!!

they are all harmless but the very nosy person who sits next to me was looking over my shoulder as I opened them and commented on the pregnant one

I actually quite liked number 9.

On the subject of 'not safe for work', here is a link is to a safe for work version of the story (http://www.zdnet.com/blog/london/google-8216glitch-returns-swearing-if-you-8216define-an-english-person/1631) of a search engine's suggestion of what defines an Englishman.

Google are believed to be investigating the matter and interviewing all Scottish employees.

;D

I also tried the google search on what defines an English person!!!

Very funny and very clever whomever worked out how google works!

apparently if you type google into google, the internet will implode!

So it's you, is it?
I thought it was copper cable thieves....

yup sorry about that

don't do it!!

you will end up like bill Murray in groundhog day in a horrible recursive loop:
forever typing google into google -> when googling google returns google

Google 'let it snow'.

This makes the BBC news: US Navy lesbian couple share first gay dockside kiss (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-16297406)

Well, you know what sailors are.

Or do you?  LOL

The readership of Thames Ditton Today is even more extensive than I thought.  US Congress now....http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-16273917  TDT Winter issue pp35-36

I know that many of you are  relieved to be back in the office away from the hurly-burly of family christmases, because hits on this website are rising again.  But as you clearly have time on your hands...
Stay out of the limelight! (http://intellistreets.com/)

US Govt. funded surveillance streetlights...http://www.prisonplanet.com/promo-video-for-dhs-backed-spy-street-lights-pulled-from-you-tube.html

The company PR effort fights back...http://intellistreets.com/pressHealper.php?id=2011-10-27-01

Relax - I don't think that the new SCC Slugeye and Triffid models have these features, although a couple of years ago one resident who shall remain nameless did seriously suggest that Surrey ought to include CCTV cameras on every other column while they were at it!

Christmas in a Missouri courthouse:
(http://deskofbrian.com/wp-content/uploads/Mr-Mrs-deer-christmas-displaly-missouri-courthouse.jpg)

Jenny Edwards, spokeswoman: “I’ve never seen so many photos taken in the courthouse rotunda....It did take me by surprise on the first day it was up,” she  said.....There are deer in formal wear. That will surprise everyone.”

http://www.news-leader.com/article/20111220/NEWS01/111220007/Mr-Mrs-Deer-make-an-appearance-Greene-County-Courthouse?odyssey=tab|topnews|img|FRONTPAGE

Euphemism for a trading loss spotted: "deferred tax asset" ......

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/science-news/8992639/Men-and-women-have-distinct-personalities.html

Oh, and by the way, the Earth is sort of round, and water is wet.

good work Milliband, oops!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/ed-miliband/8997795/Ed-Miliband-red-faced-after-Bob-Holness-Blackbuster-Twitter-gaffe.html

When will they learn not to Twitter  ???

Not from some parallel universe, but from our own:
"If you stop in the middle of love-making to have tea and talk to each other, it ... allows you time to be intimate with each other. Sex which used to last 15 minutes suddenly lasts an hour and a half. "

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/features/revealed-the-secret-to-an-enduring-sex-life--cups-of-tea-6293557.html

A friend of mine who tried this reports the following conversation:

"Where's the tea gone?"
"It's in the cupboard"
......long silence, cupboard doors banging....
"Why have we only got this PG Tips rubbish - we've had Earl Grey for years after extensive testing?"
"I thought it would be nice to change."
"I suppose you feel the same way about me after all these years?"
......long silence.....
"Are you still awake?".....
....................
....................
(alarm clock goes off next morning)

huh !

theres nowt wrong with a cup of PG Tips!!!

(though personally I prefer typhoo)

I did hear a rumour than you only get an ooh in Typhoo

yep the ooh is in typhoo and you have to go back to that second section (in Keiths post) to get the ahhhh !!

ah, glad we got that cleared up

Praise for Surrey's new white streetlights:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-surrey-16708868

"The new white street lights direct the light downwards, unlike the orange lamps, and will reduce carbon emissions by 60,000 tonnes over 25 years, the council said."

Shame that these 'new white street lights' are actually pink on the main roads, and that the ones on the side roads appear to have a lot more glare than the ones they've replaced.......

they love a spin dont they

A classic case of being careful what you wish for!  I have written to the Campaign to Protect Rural England to admonish them for prostituting themselves to the council's propoganda. >:(

Viral: Lego man in space (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/upshot/lego-man-space-moves-230122438.html) - excellent!

I saw this last night, I'm imagining owned by a trader who lost the plot and became a hippy, part of me thinks it's almost cool!

[img width=500 height=269]http://i1166.photobucket.com/albums/q617/craigvmax/Snapbucket/930E6407.jpg[/img]

LOL - speaks to me of the mescaline-fuelled sixties

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/letter-freed-slave-former-master-draw-attention-151653952.html

A rattling good read!

To put our own planning debates into perspective, here's something from Western Australia (where I now have a correspondent):
"Load of b******s about a supposedly offensive sign" (http://www.inmycommunity.com.au/news-and-views/local-news/Load-of-bollocks-about-a-supposedly-offensive-sign/7612759/)

I look forward to seeing the sign for the 'Nice Buns' Bakery due to open in our High St tomorrow!

More from my correspondent in Western Australia, where the temperature has been around 40 degrees C in recent days.  The air conditioning in his accommodation broke down.  The fault was traced to a duct blocked by a dead wombat.  Apparently this is a recurrent maintenance problem....

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/lightning-kills-an-entire-football-team-1181336.html

Extraordinary.  Happened on the pitch.  None of the opposition team were struck.  If this was April 1st one wouldn't believe it.

UFO spotted over Thames Ditton (http://www.uk-ufo.co.uk/2012/02/thames-ditton-surrey-7th-february-2012/)

thats interesting, anyone know where?

"Witness Statement: I saw a bright thin light, like a thin hourglass, going over the trees. the strange thing is, it looked like it was made of light. It was bright and it was pink and blue and red when it changed colours. but it still remained bright."

Damn - I want it back.

it wasnt one of these new lampposts was it?

LOL I love these stories.  This one doesn't sound like the usual paper balloons with burners, though.  It can't have been the Ba Siam sign because that has different colours.  I wonder whether Alice was totally sober at the time?  But five o'clock on a Tuesday evening the chances are good.

US tribe sues beer makers for $500m over alcohol abuse (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-16976700) - appropriately enough, they are Sioux

I particularly noticed this bit: "The lawsuit also names the nearby town of Whiteclay, Nebraska, which has four beer shops that sold nearly five million beer cans in 2010 despite having only about a dozen residents."

Anyone want to join me in a class action against food vendors for making me fat?

you're not fat - just big boned

;D

Wonderful photo of Rupert Murdoch here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-17070555

edit:  LOL - one day later, they've taken it out and replaced it with something anodyne!

Tide goes out. (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2100709/Patrick-Paul-Costanzo-arrested-stealing-25-000-worth-Tide-detergent.html#ixzz1mXqk6rcg)

Daily Mail hard up for news, evidently.

NBC news item: Kentucky police arrested a grocery store burglar following a bizarre break-in, in which the thief was found naked and covered in peanut butter and chocolate.

Serious news, this, here: http://video.msnbc.msn.com/nbc-news/46325823/#46325823  Grandfather says: "This is not like him"

And a horrifying story from Taipei:"A 74-YEAR-OLD man died after he accidentally swallowed his dentures during sex with a 62-year-old prostitute" (http://www.asiaone.com/News/AsiaOne+News/Malaysia/Story/A1Story20120202-325396.html)

I should really get on with my work, but I feel too rough to pay attention for more than about a minute.

And from Western Australia: "Man eats heart attack burger, suffers heart attack" (http://au.news.yahoo.com/thewest/a/-/world/12922853/man-eats-heart-attack-burger-suffers-heart-attack/):
"Amateur video has emerged showing a man being wheeled out of the Heart Attack Grill on a stretcher after a medical episode that restaurant employees say looked like, well, a heart attack.......Despite the serious nature of the incident, fellow diners reportedly thought it was just another part of the show. Reportedly the man is recuperating. "

from the above, pic (very wide-angle!):
(http://l.yimg.com/ea/img/-/120216/heartattackburger_400_17jogbb-17jogbc.jpg)

"Foreign Secretary William Hague announced on Tuesday night that Britain will fund a new £550,000 intelligence centre in the Seychelles to co-ordinate action against Somali pirates."

(thinks....)  hmnnnnn,  NICE posting!  Just imagine the queue outside HR's door.

....... and later, when the successful applicant returns home to spouse to announce the news: "Sorry, dear, but in view of the risk it is an unaccompanied posting."

-----------------------------
The Seychelles were probably the paradise islands sighted by Vasco da Gama on one of his exploratory journeys, and are believed to have been the inspiration for Portuguese poet Luís de Camões' "Ilha dos Amores" where heroic Portuguese navigators and their men were rewarded by the goddess Venus with well-deserved R & R, including the provision of 'divine pleasures' - with all the delights of Nature and of the seductive water-nymphs, the Nereids, with whom they could divert themselves in amorous games.

I have a work of art depicting this, by an old Portuguese friend, which hangs above this very computer....

O sigh, sigh!

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/9099952/MP-Eric-Joyce-arrested-over-assault-at-House-of-Commons-bar.html

Eric Joyce MP (Labour, Falkirk) "allegedly pushed a Conservative member before punching others at the back of the bar. The brawl was believed to have started after Mr Joyce, who has been convicted of drink-driving, apparently complained the bar was "full of Tories". ...
....In 2009, it emerged he was Britain's most expensive member of Parliament after claiming £187,334 in expenses in 2007/08.

Last year, he became the first MP to claim more than £200,000 in expenses in one year"


-------------- ------------------
random disorderly thoughts: 

.....I was interested to see in January's polling that a higher proportion of people in England wanted to see Scotland independent than did so in Scotland itself.

.....Tricia is busy ordering Union Jacks to go in the High Street flagpole sockets.  What will become of the Union Jack, though, if Scotland leaves the Union?  Don't we lose the blue bits?...

..... I always did like Rab C Nesbitt, even though I couldn't decipher more than eighty percent of it.

"Physicists who shocked the scientific world by claiming to have shown particles could move faster than the speed of light have admitted it was a mistake due to a faulty wire connection. "

It's easily done, chaps.  Even with 7.5 billion euros worth of kit.

I see that Charlie Hodgson's out of the side tomorrow, following what the Telegraph described as a "freak training incident"

They do not state who the other freaks being trained were.

..... wait, there's more! Hodgson reported that his "finger got caught in a team-mate’s shirt in an unopposed session on Monday, spraining as well as cutting it and needing six stitches,"

Just think what might have happened if his team mate had opposed these advances!

So - something new to wrap your fish'n'chips: the Sun on Sunday.

I particularly liked the comment of one enthusiastic reader on their comments page:

"one in the eye for all the knockers"

Although I read in the pre-publication announcements that there would be no topless page 3 girl on Sundays, it seems there is one: fairly topless photo of singer Kelly Rowland on Page 3.

I will have to go out and buy one if they have them in the Post Office.

More: the Press Association reports an SOS editorial comment that the closure of the New of the World was "a sobering experience."  Will we look in vain for more stories from Lunchtime O'Booze?  Tragic.

---------------

Another collector's item of ambivalent language: "We will hold our journalists to the standards we expect of them."

-----------------
SOS seems to have collected a bagful of clapped-out and tarnished correspondents!  Clarkson, del'Olio....

Just a few copies left in the TD PO at 0900....  LOL - I see the SOS's idea of a decorous page 3 girl for a Sunday is that she has her hands over her Bristols.  The caption: "Rowl Model"  (at least it wasn't "Rowl Over")

----------------

Another gem from the editorial: "The headline-writers who brought you 'Zip Me Up Before You Go Go' and 'How Do You Solve A Problem Like Korea' have plenty more."

Examples from this millstone milestone issue include: "Job Plan Burgered" and "Dancing On Slice - TV skater's face slashed"

92 pages and no news!!  A bargain for 50p

....and, it fits the bottom of the parrot's cage, well four pages will do for a double thickness, so it would last a long time in that recycling role.  But I think I'll stick to recycling the Elmbridge guardian for those purposes - it's a much better read.

--------- ---------------

And what did Dolly (parrot) opine on the new lining: "daft rubbish!" 

So - the Chinese are weakening on the one-child policy: follow BBC's 'also in the news' link to Kill the family (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-17181951).

State advertising is cited along the following lines: "If you don't get sterilised, your house will be demolished" and "Kill all your family if you don't follow the rule" and, "If you escape (sterilisation), we'll hunt you down; if you want to hang yourself, we'll give you the rope".

-----

I see from other headlines that for some reason foreign visitors are to be offered free treatment for HIV on the NHS (while British patients get left parked in ambulances on the road because there aren't enough A & E places...).  Would we do better to follow the example of go-ahead China and provide free rope on the NHS instead?  It could always be recycled, too....

So: anticapitalist protesters evicted from St Paul's (at last) and Barclays bank hammered by the Revenue for half a billion in tax avoidance.

Something strangely satisfying about that pair of news items. Very fair, eh?  Perhaps it's going to be a good day...

.....so I gave the parrot a spray and now she's not speaking to me.

In case your faith in human supremacy is wavering...
"Human mattress dominoes break world record " (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-17199434)
Work-safe video.

So - I see the gold price is shaky (your views, Rhodrich?).  But what interested me about an article on that was a number of enlivening expressions.  For sure, the financial and economic news has become more dramatic and readable in the last four years, which I suppose is a silver lining if not a golden one.  We have here:

“blood in the gold and silver trading pits as leveraged longs got their heads handed to them on a plate”.  Most graphic!

After relaying the (obvious) point, succinctly and well, that gold still has a future because: "monetary policy remains abject worldwide, and the debt crisis remains unfixed and unaddressed"  we come across the interesting phrase that "governments are on a shoogly peg"

This is attributed to Scotland and was new to me, so I thought I'd share the lookup:
shoggle also schogle, shoogle, shogle, shuggle.
Compare German schockeln , schuckeln
1. trans. To shake, to cause to move; to shake (something or somebody) off.
1577    B. Googe tr. C. Heresbach Foure Bks. Husbandry iv. f. 159v,   You must in no wise shake them, or shoggle them‥: by shaking of the egges, the Chickins haue been hatched lame.
1822    J. Galt Sir Andrew Wylie II. i. 6   If, by ony mischance, she had been shooggled aff [the coach] whar would I hae been then?
a1844    W. Miller in Whitelaw Bk. Scott. Song 6/2   Stravagin' wuns begin To shoggle and shake the window~brods.
1855    F. K. Robinson Gloss. Yorks. Words,   To Shoggle, to joggle.

2. intr. To shake; to swing about, to dangle; to shake or settle down.
1724    A. Ramsay Vision in Ever Green I. v,   A braid-sword schogled at his thee.
1896    S. R. Crockett Cleg Kelly xxix,   I'll juist lock them in and they'll [soon] hae shuggled doon as quaite as a session.

3. To walk unsteadily.
1884    Rep. & Trans. Devonshire Assoc. 16 116   The old cat was shuggling about in the hole.

Pocketed.  Expect to see it in TD Today as time proceeds on its stately way.

(http://lolsnaps.com/upload_pic/SomeoneStoleMyDartboard-38560.jpg)

Good news for those of us at Thames-level: "The world's most accurate clock has neatly shown how right Albert Einstein was 100 years ago, when he proposed that time is a relative concept and the higher you live above sea level the faster you should age."

YouTube vid - just the thing for a wet Sunday: Day In The Life Of An Ikea Trolley ()

http://www.physorg.com/news/2012-03-peeing-frenchman-sues-google-stock.html 
"A Frenchman is suing Google for making him the laughing stock of his village after the firm's Street View service put on the Internet a picture of him urinating in his garden, his lawyer said Thursday."

This follows the case in Germany in 2010 where Street View recorded a naked man in the boot of his car: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1332219/Google-image-naked-man-car-boot-snapped-Street-View.html

Another work-safe video - http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2012/03/dog-sings-while-playing-piano.html

US miscellany:
"A Republican voter in New Mexico (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/registered-voter-dog-investigated-879412) is under criminal investigation for signing up his dog as a Democrat in a bid to highlight what he considers deficiencies in the state’s registration process."
------------
"The auto correct feature on a cellphone turned (http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/weird/Auto-Correct-Phone-Mishap-Forces-Schools-Into-Lockdown--141204493.html) an innocent text message into a serious threat, prompting the lockdown of two Georgia schools.

The text, accidentally sent to the wrong number by a local college student, had originally read: “gunna be at west hall today,” but was auto corrected to “gunman be at west hall today,” according to the Gainesville Times.

Just before noon on Wednesday, police notified West Hall middle and high school officials to issue a mandatory lockdown

Psychologists at the University of Virginia carried out study (http://news.yahoo.com/pointing-finger-makes-credible-kids-223201984.html) and find:  "adults can convince a 4-year-old that they know something simply by pointing while delivering the message. This act even overrides all other evidence that the adult is clueless."

(thinx....):
(http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01413/cameron_1413162a.jpg)

and:
(http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Books/Pix/pictures/2010/5/24/1274697822621/George-Osborne-004.jpg)
Y'know, being absolutely impartial I've been looking for images of Gordon Brown and Nick Clegg pointing fingers, but they don't seem to do that.  Funny.  They both use their whole hands in gestures.

Maybe it's an Eton thing

But this surely isn't?
[img width=500 height=460]http://singlemaltmonkey.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/cameron-fingers.gif[/img]

Aha!  got one:(http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2010/4/29/1272538400012/Nick-Clegg-answers-questi-007.jpg)

Back where I grew up pointing fingers was massively frowned upon (well this was pointing at people but in order not to be mistaken we generally tried to avoid pointing in any situation).

Ah I was too slow!!

I found a few for you of Nick Clegg but only one of Gordon.

[img width=500 height=310]http://gallery.seloc.org/albums/userpics/43126/press-photographer007.jpg[/img]

(http://gallery.seloc.org/albums/userpics/43126/nickcleggright.jpg)

(http://gallery.seloc.org/albums/userpics/43126/19_clegg2_k.jpg)

(http://gallery.seloc.org/albums/userpics/43126/Nick-Clegg-at-a-press-con-001.jpg)

Bush had his own idiosyncracies:
(http://www.cellphone-wallpapers.net/Wallpapers/User/10870-BushFinger.JPG)

I don't know whether you share my quirky taste for The Onion (http://www.theonion.com/)'s humour (in small doses) but here is a sample of recent headlines from that creative source:

Road-Kill Squirrel Remembered As Frantic, Indecisive

Facebook To Permit Users To Change Privacy Settings Only If They Guess Word Contained In Locket Worn By Mark Zuckerberg

Obama Urges Citizens To Hide Evidence Of Our Formerly Prosperous Lives From Nation's Young Children

Intelligent, Condescending Life Discovered In Distant Galaxy

U.S. Loses U.N. Membership After Embarrassing Video Of Nation Surfaces On Internet

Twitter Crashes From Sheer Volume Of Clear, Insightful Comments On State Of The Union

Boy Loses Leg In Totally Awesome Shark Attack

I couldn't decide whether to post this in 'this just in' or 'the way things are':

Research finds women feel happy when their husband or partner is upset (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/9126265/Research-finds-women-feel-happy-when-their-husband-or-partner-is-upset.html)

So - gorilla genome cracked.  The study shows that humans are more similar to gorillas than previously thought.

I'm thinking of some of my relatives now.

Leicester City council "faces having to pay out tens of thousands of pounds after a park warden fell and injured himself while putting up health and safety signs."

Sweet irony!

In what must surely be a prime entry for the Dull Men's Club (http://www.dullmensclub.com/home.html), Stephen Wolfram writes in today's Wired zine.  Entitled "The Personal Analytics of My Life" (http://www.wired.com/epicenter/2012/03/opinion-wolfram-life-analytics/2/) the article details, with graphs, the stats for all the emails he has sent since 1989, all the 1000 million keystrokes he has hit and at what time of day he's made every phone call since 2004....

It is less interesting than sex, shall we say.

Anorak theme: http://www.anorak.co.uk/314800/strange-but-true/man-arrested-for-being-in-possession-of-fake-genitalia.html/

Given Keith's taste for quirky stories and concern about the solar flare destroying his boiler fan you may also like: http://www.anorak.co.uk/314974/scare-stories/the-solar-flare-kills-every-daily-mail-reader.html/

The Sorry Mom Tattoo shop (hey, Thames Ditton doesn't have a tattoo shop, does it?  Maybe when they get the squatters out of Stuart Lane?):
[img width=500 height=372]http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Sorry_Mom.jpg[/img]

[[ PS: I know that some of you can't see these images in your browser - you have third-party images blocked at work (presumably because your workers have been looking at porn etc.?)  Surrey County Council is a case in point, I understand.  So here is the link to the image direct: http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Sorry_Mom.jpg ]]

Woking council's decision to spend £27,000 on commemorative Jubilee mugs for all the borough's primary school children has proved controversial and sparked strong reactions from local people.

Should taxpayers pay for mugs on the council?  Your views....

"Women who have just finished ovulating are better at detecting snakes than at other times of their menstrual cycle"

British taxpayers did not fund this research (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/9132222/Women-who-have-just-finished-ovulating-are-best-at-spotting-snakes.html).  It fell to the taxpayers of Japan.

"Spies next door": Daily Mail alert: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2112936/Spies-door-As-Putin--spy-chief--tightens-grip-Russia-new-book-reveals-hes-riddled-West-suburban-secret-agents.html

Is Putin's dirty tricks programme responsible for the state of Thames Ditton's roads which are becoming increasingly impassable?  It does explain a lot. 

How sure are you of your neighbours?  For example, do they read the Daily Mail and does that mean they are genuine Brits or are they sleepers thickening up their cover?  Post here your identifications of likely Russian illegals in Thames Ditton and Weston Green.

PS: If any illegals would like to come in from the cold and take advantage of our terms of amnesty, pm Admin.

More on spies - Telegraph today: " NATO'S most senior commander was at the centre of a major security alert when a series of his colleagues fell for a fake Facebook account (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/9136029/How-spies-used-Facebook-to-steal-Nato-chiefs-details.html) opened in his name - apparently by Chinese spies...  every personal detail on Facebook, including private email addresses, phone numbers and pictures were able to be harvested. "

And another on FB - the interest seems to be stimulated by FB's upcoming IPO:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/southafrica/9136345/How-a-young-womans-chance-posting-on-Facebook-sparked-a-stalkers-obsession.html
"Hannah Rhind's decision to post onto Facebook details of a wine tasting event at Harrods was a friendly gesture that altered her life for ever....The young public relations executive's innocuous move sparked in a man she barely knew [Shumsheer Ghumman, a former City fund manager] a dangerous obsession - so overwhelming that he was able to brush aside English law, then pursue his terrified quarry to South Africa where he tried to hire a township hitman to kill her father and threw Molotov cocktails at her family home."

(http://residents-association.com/forum/Themes/default/images/post/thumbup.gif)Chinese Intelligence Service likes this

(sorry for pinching your idea  ;D )

That's OK.  LOL

I was just thinking about whether throwing Molotov cocktails at your dream girl's family home and putting a hit contract on your hoped-for father-in-law was an effective way of wooing your lady in some cultures?

Well, I suppose that it might save the embarrassment of having to argue with your future father-in-law about how many cows your future wife is worth in exchange!

Mail latest (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2113265/Who-needs-Viagra-Scientists-claim-impotence-cured-permanently-sonic-blasts.html): "Who needs Viagra? Scientists claim impotence can be cured permanently with sonic blasts"

Overheard in Thames Ditton (deafening sonic blasts in the background...):

"For God's sake, Dear, will you turn off the hoover for a minute?"

"You should be out cutting the grass.  That's the only thing that's three inches longer round here it seems"

Penguins not so cute after all  http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=XAxDzXG4ANE

24 seconds and worth it.

Latest Daily Mail (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2114214/Police-fast-paced-chases-FORGET-details-sudden-physical-exertion.html) Shock Horror Research Story: "Violent exercise makes police officers FORGET key details of events...    Study discovers that 60 seconds of exertion damages memory of incidents... Tests with 52 officers in Canada found that even remembering what happened is 'very difficult.'"

Defence: "Officer, did you or did you not kick the accused in the goolies many times as you subdued him for handcuffing?"

Rumpole: "Objection: according to the Mail my client would be unable to recall such detail after violent exercise.:

Judge: "Sustained.  I would also draw defence counsel's attention to the policy on castration (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2114341/One-paedophiles-chemically-castrated-controversial-prison-experiment-crush-sex-drive.html)"

More courtroom curiosities:
The Sun (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4191152/Wife-killer-Philip-Ward-admits-cutting-head-of-first-partner-too.html): "Wife killer: I cut head off first missus too
............
Ward's lawyer, Frank Rothman said: "After 18 years of being in prison for killing his second wife, what motivated him to confess now I don't know."

bigamist busted (http://www.thenewstribune.com/2012/03/08/2058938/bigamy-charges-filed-against-pierce.html) when Facebook recommended the two wives be "friends."

(http://residents-association.com/forum/Themes/default/images/post/thumbup.gif)Wife #1  likes this
(http://residents-association.com/forum/Themes/default/images/post/thumbup.gif)Wife#2 likes this

(http://residents-association.com/forum/Themes/default/images/post/thumbup.gif)Wife #8 likes this

Florida's Sun Sentinel (http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/crime/fl-judge-stolen-nameplate-20120308,0,1332691.story):  "Status update: It was a bad idea to steal a judge's nameplate and then post a picture of yourself holding it on  Facebook.  That's exactly what Steven Mulhall, 21, of Coral Springs, is accused of doing.  Deputies picked Mulhall up on Thursday and booked him into Broward County's Main jail."

Service economy: [[ third party pic]]
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/job-fails-monday-thru-friday-they-have-a-drive-through-window.jpg)

And a dating 'Fail' from Failblog:

"I'm good at algebra
I can replace your X
And you wouldn't need to figure out Y"

Dallas Seavey won the 40th annual Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race on Tuesday, a famous event, becoming the youngest musher to win the 1,000 mile race across Alaska.  What's more, he beat his father and grandfather in the race, in a winning time of  nine days, four hours, 29 minutes and 26 seconds.

Alas, he's not from Thames Ditton.  Indeed, I can't find an entry from TD or WG among the 66 entrants.  Maybe next year, dog owners?

We had a dog called Mush, one of those husky-like breeds that fitted my Dad's psyche, when I was about seven.  It kept eating shoes and dragging everyone off their feet on walks, and after a year was donated to the police for more appropriate deployment!

More distractions from the Cameron-Obama Summit:  http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2114536/Why-drunken-company-director-Kevin-Fowler-belted-man-laptop-bag-seat.html

A drunken company director left a commuter permanently scarred after a 'seat rage' attack on a late-night train.  Financial consultant Kevin Fowler, 45, punched the passenger when a dispute arose over the laptop bag he had placed on a seat.

When questioned by police after a night in a cell, Fowler declared: 'I'm a middle-aged, middle-class bloke standing up for the rights of rail travellers, who have a right to use a seat.'

Telegraph: "Samantha Cameron and Michelle Obama go head-to-head in fashion show down"

This pic has to be a fashion Fail:
(http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02168/sam-michelle_2168301f.jpg)

....
the chap in the uniform is the clear winner.

MARCH 14--The “American Idol” contestant expected to be booted from the show tonight is the subject of five outstanding arrest warrants in New Jersey, (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/jermaine-jones-american-idol-arrests-769123)

I thought of posting this CBS report in the thread on innovative ways of countering crime...

Nine year old boy refused to go to school or obey police commands, so was Tasered. (http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-57396307-504083/ohio-officer-used-stun-gun-on-9-year-old-boy-authorities-say/)

CBS adds that the boy reportedly weighs 200 pounds.

They don't mess about in Ohio.

Remember Iggy Pop, boyz'n'girlz?  Now matured to feature in the Sunday Times magazine, and the following has been drawn to my attention from the Dull Men's Club
"The Godfather of Punk" now lusts for slippers, according to the article. 

•   He likes to potter — walks around the garden, smells the flowers, listens to the waterfall, watches the clouds

•   He's a big cloud fancier

•   He's ploughing through de Tocqueville's Democracy in America

•   Goes to bed at 10:00 p.m., sometimes even earlier

--------------

Thinks....soon he'll be joining the Residents' Association.....

If you're still sharing a house: [third party pic - for those with such things blocked]
[img width=500 height=360]http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/They_Mean_Business.jpg[/img]

First laugh of the day:
http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/category/photos/pregnancy/

Isn't the human race amazing?

TV screenshots can freeze occasional moments of singular interest:
[img width=500 height=337]http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Admits_She_Heard_It.jpg[/img]

Scientists failed to find evidence of contagious yawning in tortoises but have now found evidence of contagious yawning in budgies:
  “Evidence for contagious behaviors in budgerigars (http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S037663571100252X) (Melopsittacus undulatus): An observational study of yawning and stretching.” Michael L. Miller, Andrew C. Gallup , Andrea R. Vogel, Shannon M. Vicario, Anne B. Clark, Behavioural Processes, Volume 89, Issue 3, March 2012, pp. 264–270. 

    “Yawning is contagious in humans and some non-human primates. If there are social functions to contagious behaviors, such as yawning, they might occur in other highly social vertebrates. To investigate this possibility, we conducted an observational study of yawning and an associated behavior, stretching, in budgerigars (Melopsittacus undulatus), a social, flock-living parrot…. This study provides the first detailed description of temporal patterns of yawning under social conditions in a flock-living species as well as the first support for contagious yawning and stretching in a non-primate species in a natural context. Experimental evidence will be necessary to confirm the extent of contagion in either behavior.”

Are you still awake?  Thought not.

"The dictator's dream: Gaddafi's son ordered cruise ship complete with shark tank" (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/libya/9147528/The-dictators-dream-Gaddafis-son-ordered-cruise-ship-complete-with-shark-tank.html)

An item for the collection of anyone who relishes the twists and spin of PR, 'Media and Public Affairs', 'Communications' etc is the phrase "on-board dedicated food source" required for the sharks....

One is irresistibly reminded of Largo in "Thunderball" who fed Quist to the sharks that Bond managed to escape.  A dedicated food source, hmnnnn...

[third party pic]:
[img width=374 height=500]http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Got_My_Nose.jpg[/img]

The Daily Mail (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2116207/What-Camilla-didnt-Cheltenham-It-attended-royalty--investigation-reveals-historic-Cheltenham-race-festival-magnet-gangsters-sex-industry.html) continues to excel in its own way!:
"What Camilla didn't see at Cheltenham..historic Cheltenham race festival has become a magnet for gangsters and the sex industry"

and the accompanying photo is priceless:
[img width=500 height=410]http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/03/16/article-0-122AD03D000005DC-633_634x521.jpg[/img]

Here's another collector's item, this time from the mealy-mouthed world of Defence (USA): "underwater unmanned neutralization autonomous units"

Wired magazine helpfully translates this into "drone subs"

Panda poo tea (http://digitaljournal.com/article/317673) - in case you missed it......
...."drinkers can expect the tea to have a nutty and mature taste. "

How to make wheelchair adverts compelling...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=X1CBGY7H5Bs

Following the announcement that  exploratory company Providence Resources has struck oil off the County Cork coast in what may prove to be a multi-billion dollar discovery, the following was spotted on Facebook on St Patrick's day:
"They found oil off Cork, the Americans should be here by Xmas to liberate us and restore democracy"

"Robotics breakthrough blasts crud from that bit behind the lav" (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2012/03/19/scooba_230_tiny_cleaning_bot/)

"A water-pumping squeegee-wielding robot that can reach the awkward no man's land around the back of the loo was unveiled this week - a product launch narrowly overshadowed by the new iPad's debut.....available now in the United States and is coming to the UK in the summer."

Why can't British industry show this sort of inventive vitality?  Too busy blowing £6m on beach parties in Mexico.

Four men in suits buy drinks (http://www.news.com.au/national/four-daredevils-do-a-base-jump-from-rialto-towers-after-cocktails-at-vue-de-monde-bar/story-e6frfkvr-1226299689693#ixzz1peVCDyJk) in cocktail bar at top of Melbourne skyscraper - then leave without paying.  By base-jumping!

Now that ... is a very cool story!!

;D

LOL.

Now something for the girls:  [ Third party pic - may be blocked for some]:
(http://www.iris-schieferstein.de/objekte/pfsh_gr.jpg)

Iris Schieferstein designs shoes made from hooves and other animal parts.  Search on the name.  Offer to buy your everlovin' a pair at own risk...

(http://msnbcmedia2.msn.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Photo/_new/tdy-120320-oldest-hanglider-before%20Flight.grid-4x2.jpg)
Mary Allen Hardison, 101-year-old grandmother from Utah, now holds the Guinness World Record for oldest female paraglider (in tandem)

MSNBC (http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/46796728/ns/today-good_news/#.T2mqdhFWr8E): "Hardison took up paragliding “on a whim,” as she did not want to be outdone by her 75-year-old son, Allen, who had recently pursued the sport as a hobby. “I didn’t want him to do something that I couldn’t do,” Hardison said."

Go, girl!
(http://msnbcmedia4.msn.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Photo/_new/tdy-120320-oldest-hanglider-during-flight.grid-4x2.jpg)

Clement the cuckoo is missing in action (http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/17476645), according to the British Trust for Ornithology.  His last transmission was from Cameroon on 25 February en route to UK.

Cuckoos arrive in Spring just in time for the May elections.  You don't see them for the rest of the year.  You can easily recognise them.  They don't live permanently in the locality but are always on their way to somewhere else, and they try to profit from the sustained efforts of ordinary working birds.  The word "cuckoo" has for some reason become synonymous with "mentally unhinged."

There is some species variation:  top is the variety found most frequently in the Home Counties, while at the bottom is its northern cousin which often has shabbier plumage except for the striking red throat mark:
[img width=356 height=500]http://residents-association.com/images/cuckoos.jpg[/img]

Recognition: may force their way across doorstep.  Their websites are dormant until about six weeks before elections.  Each is hostile towards the other, indeed to all other birds.

My children like this: http://www.collegehumor.com/facebook-history
It does make the history of the world easier, and covers far more ground than a secondary education in these times.

And: http://gizmodo.com/5895217/is-this-app-really-too-sexy-for-your-iphone
Watch the video at your own risk, but nothing bad will happen.  It is all in your mind.

Life in Texas in the raw:

http://www.khou.com/news/MCSO-Naked-home-invasion-suspect-shot-by-deputy-near-Lake-Conroe-143818716.html

Man rouses householder at 4.am claiming snakes are after him, householder lets him in (well, you would, wouldn't you?), man takes off all clothes, householder calls cops, on their arrival man runs out of house starkers waving a gun, deputy shoots him.

Priceless (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-17491344) - enough to bring a wincing smile from the most hardened diplomat:
"Kazakhstan's" national anthem from the film Borat was played at a medal ceremony at championships in Kuwait instead of the real anthem.
...organisers had downloaded the parody from the internet by mistake.  The spoof song praises Kazakhstan for its superior potassium exports and for having the cleanest prostitutes in the region.

Footage of Thursday's original ceremony posted on YouTube shows gold medallist Maria Dmitrienko listening to the anthem without emotion and finally smiling as it ends."

Another headline that would have sounded like mad science fiction 25 years ago: "Microsoft seizes servers in Zeus cyberfraud" (http://news.yahoo.com/microsoft-seizes-servers-zeus-cyberfraud-192420818.html) - but this is good: MS fighting back against botnets and phishing (two more words for the OED...)

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/news/sell-up-now-before-its-too-late-expert-tells-damien-hirst-fans-7586374.html

The Voice of Reason and Good Sense.

btw I hear that the Hockney Exhibition at the Royal Academy is wonderful. Now, there's a Proper Artist.  Anyone been?

Ewwwwww! http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4218662/Doctors-removed-cue-tip-in-my-brain.html (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4218662/Doctors-removed-cue-tip-in-my-brain.html)

[third party pic]:
[img width=500 height=455]http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Nordic_Women.jpg[/img]

We happened to be at the Royal Academy of Arts on Saturday - counting the number of lights above Michelangelos work (don't ask - it was part of a 'hidden cities' treasure hunt!).

Advanced tickets sold out according to the website but I was told you can get odd times/dates (like late in the evening etc) - otherwise your only option is to queue.

The queue to get in to see the exhibition (without an advanced ticket) was very (very) long !

I was still tempted to go and see it but a friend told me its also very busy once you get inside so not sure its worth the pain to queue.

A shame as it sounds amazing but busy exhibitions make it less enjoyable for me (one of the reasons I didn't make it to the wildlife photography show this year is that it was just too busy last year).

http://www.elmbridgeguardian.co.uk/news/9614737.Weird_and_wonderful_speeding_excuses/

Excellent LOL!

I love this sort of thing: http://news.yahoo.com/science-fiction-fact-et-look-us-154109100.html  - "Will aliens look like us?"

One might reverse the question and ask whether we look like aliens.

Somewhat depressing: "researchers say we possess a "pretty optimal design for an intelligent being," .  Well, members of this esteemed forum excepted, I have my doubts about that.

On the mark is this quote:
"It may be beyond our ability to say very much meaningful about all these things.  It's sort of like asking trilobites, 'What do you think will run the planet in 500 million years?'"

Fabulous photo of Murdoch replayed by Telegraph today:
[img width=500 height=312]http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02141/murdoch-2_2141829b.jpg[/img]

"Rupert Murdoch hits out at 'enemies, old toffs and right wingers'" (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/mediatechnologyandtelecoms/9172882/Rupert-Murdoch-hits-out-at-enemies-old-toffs-and-right-wingers.html)

Well, now that his empire has lost its cosy inside relationship with No. 10 there's no holding back.

I read that a toilet was stolen from a provincial police station.  Spokesman: "Baffling - we have nothing to go on"

I suspect that may not be a true story, naive idiot that I am.

Don't they know who was last on the throne ??

I'm sure they're on the ball, cock, but the operation is straining resources.

"Swine flu vaccine may have been responsible for a sudden increase in cases of narcolepsy among schoolchildren in Finland, "

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2012/03/neonicotinoids-bee-collapse/

Wired mag has an interesting article that possibly explains the mysterious decline in bee populations (certainly noticed around here too).

The Daily Mail continues its subtly subconscious political campaign:

"Unemployed man cuts off foot to continue claiming jobless benefits (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2121100/Man-saws-foot-avoid-work-continue-claiming-jobless-benefits.html#ixzz1qNPcrh7V) – only to discover he is still eligible for work    The 56-year-old put his hacked off foot in oven so medics could not reattach it"

..... oh, yes: perhaps I should mention that this took place in Austria......

Preliminary investigation of employee's dog presence on stress and organizational perceptions (http://www.emeraldinsight.com/journals.htm?articleid=17024849&show=abstract) (from the International Journal of Workplace Health Management, in case you missed it)

"Bringing pet dogs to work can reduce stress and make the job more satisfying for other employees"

One comment on the BBC's coverage of this suggested that if MPs took their dogs to the House of Commons it would raise the standard of debate.

Barking mad.

Following the lion (or was it tiger?) story last year when police including a helicopter surrounded a soft toy in a field before pronouncing it inanimate, we have this: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/9180123/Police-smash-car-window-to-rescue-toy-dog.html

Good idea to remove those bulldogs from your rear parcel shelf if you ask me....

(I feel kinda sorry for the police, for they can't ignore such a call from a member of the public: the one time they do, someone's dog will die or a schoolgirl will be eaten by a lion).

http://www.irishexaminer.com/ireland/nellie-packs-her-trunk-and-says-goodbye-188578.html
Shoppers in Cork surprised by a lone elephant in a retail car park.

--------------------
This reminds me of when wife #1 and I were staying at  Bumi Hills hotel near Lake Kariba, having grabbed a few days leave after the exhausting period leading to Zimbabwe Independence.  The apartments were spread out across the hillside, and over the intercom guests were warned that "there is an elephant at reception" 

It transpired that this elephant, a young bull, enjoyed the open-air movies shown on Saturday nights at the hotel.  His silhouette would occasionally be cast by the projector beam on the screen during the movie....

As wife #1 remarked sagely: "An elephant is not a thing to be taken lightly."

(I see that 32 years later Bumi Hills is still going - http://www.bumihills.com/  "re-opened in September 2009 after several years of neglect")

LOL this has started me down memory lane!  For the adventurous I can also recommend Fothergill island (http://www.fothergillisland.com/) but before you book, buy me a pint and I will tell you a salutary tale about a wounded lion which spoiled a night's sleep there!  It looks like the rondavel accommodation, open at the top to lions, has not changed at all....  I see that the place is "Closed until further notice"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/9182009/Bettany-Hughes-who-knows-whether-God-is-a-girl.html

includes: "Last month a feminist theologian offered a radical take on gender roles in Christianity when she argued that Jesus could have been a hermaphrodite. "

No comment!

Life in Minnesota: (http://www.twincities.com/localnews/ci_20282203/spring-lake-park-woman-jailed-after-hurling-puppies)
"Gabrielle Tywon Allen, 20, was arrested on suspicion of animal cruelty at about 3:45 a.m. Thursday, March 29 after allegedly throwing the [ three one-week old ] young pit bulls at her boyfriend during a fight. Her boyfriend, 25-year-old David Peter Remme, had reportedly punched Allen moments before, breaking her nose. "

Maybe I should have put this in the love and marriage thread?  Maybe not.

Melbourne (http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-04-02/driver-mistakenly-declared-dead/3926638): a man was declared dead in a car crash, laid out for collection by a coroner's van - and then found to be alive.

A planning saga on the other side of the Pond...
http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/The_Neighbor.htm

86 year old German grandmother Johanna Quaas does gymnastic display (viral on YouTube).


A quote of Johanna's: "to perform against 70-year-olds all the time is no fun after a while"

From police report in West des Moines, Iowa: "59-year-old man charged with criminal mischief after he was allegedly caught on videotape urinating on the office chairs of female coworkers....... According to a West Des Moines Police Department report, his IT post helped facilitate his chair soiling......had access to the employee database, would browse the database and “pick out attractive females and then on off hours, he would come into work, go to their desk, and urinate on their chairs.”"


Extraordinary.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4233104/Worlds-tallest-treehouse-leafs-trees-in-the-shade.html

"Devout builder Horace Burgess spent 11 years building the incredible structure after he said he got the nod from GOD to start work. “I was praying one day, and the Lord said, 'If you build me a treehouse, I'll see you never run out of material’. "

And Lo! - the Sun has never run out of material!!!

Now you've got me at it.

Mediaeval Help Desk: 

(tech support for readers of new product of printing press)

Classic 80s news story makes a comeback (http://bit.ly/HBdQyo)

Dreadful LOL !

And now for a real pasty scandal (empanada is Portuguese for a pasty):
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/cannibals-sold-flesh-in-pastries-7646633.html
"Police in Brazil have arrested three people for allegedly killing at least two women, eating parts of their bodies and using their flesh to make stuffed pastries known as empanadas which they sold to their neighbours."

It's good that in these straitened times amid serious matters such as the Leveson Inquiry I can still get a good belly-laugh.  I click through to the Independent just now to find that Tom Watson, the MP responsible for ensuring that the phone-hacking and other scandals were not quietly swept under the carpet, and Independent journalist Martin Hickman have written a book.  (Following in the footsteps of Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame).  And what do I see they have entitled it?...

"Dial M For Murdoch"

That's just brilliant!

--------------

The reality is more chilling though: http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/leading-articles/leading-article-another-layer-is-stripped-away-7661557.html

Elmbridge Guardian (http://www.elmbridgeguardian.co.uk/news/9660251.Surrey_Police_support_stalking_campaign/)
"Stalking is hard to define because stalkers will often use a variety of methods to harass their victims.  It could consist of any type of behaviour, such as regularly sending flowers or gifts"

Good job I stopped doing that to the Idol of My Life then........ or I could be in trouble with the police.

And so it came to pass (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-surrey-17782070)..
"The Surrey town of Staines is hosting a day of celebrations to mark changing its name to Staines-upon-Thames.  Local politicians voted for the change last year in a bid to tackle negative perceptions of the town and promote its riverside location.  In the late nineties the town became synonymous with comedian Sacha Baron Cohen's spoof rapper, Ali G.

Spelthorne Borough Council said the riverside celebrations would be "long remembered".

Staines Town Society has said the name-change is "pretentious nonsense" and "absurd".

Prize for anyone who finds a comment from Baron Cohen

Do tigers like Marmite?  The answer, from Dudley Zoo, seems to be they either love it or hate it :
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/picturesoftheday/9216232/Pictures-of-the-day-20-April-2012.html?frame=2198557

Me, I love it.  Rrrrrrrrrrrrr

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/why-reports-on-australias-kangaroos-made-californias-governor-hopping-mad-7669102.html

"Jerry Brown, the Governor of America's most populous state, has launched a vigorous attack on the surreal level of interest that his civil servants are required to take in Australia's national animal. For as long as anyone can remember, officials in California's Department of Fish and Game have been required to supply law-makers with a carefully compiled annual report on the Antipodean kangaroo harvest.

Last week, Mr Brown, a Democrat, declared it a symbol of the Kafkaesque bureaucracy that is hobbling his administration. A "crocodile report" was among a staggering 715 similarly useless reports which are compiled by civil servants on a regular basis, "

Hooray.  Does anyone know this true and apocryphal story of the Dead Fly Count?  It is beloved of civil servants and I will tell you anyway.  It also stems from America:

A fairly low-ranking Brigadier or minor General (I forget the rank and the name, now) was assigned to some dreary management job at an army base to serve out his last eighteen months.  He had to file various monthly returns to HQ, which had inevitably accumulated over the years; many were close to meaningless but were required in case of extensive audit. 

To alleviate boredom, every so often he got up from behind his desk, wandered round the office, and counted the number of dead flies on the window sill, making a note.  He began adding a figure for "DFC" to each of his monthly returns, with the total of dead flies for the month against it.

He duly retired, and his successor naturally enough did not file a figure for DFC.  After about three months, HQ sent a stiff communication demanding to know where the monthly DFC return was, and why he had neglected to file it.

So he got in touch with his predecessor......

Art Gallery in Mayfair gets Met Police visit (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/art/art-news/9232512/Mythical-swan-photo-taken-down-after-bestiality-fears.html) on grounds of suspected bestiality when it displays photographic depiction of Leda and the Swan.....

Do we now have the distinction between art and photography that critics have long searched for? Hmnnnnnn

I have been, ermmm, combing the news for today's quirky items and I find this:
"Japanese researchers claim to have successfully grown hair on hairless mice."

A clear sense of priority in addressing the Earth's problems is elusive LOL

But a cure for baldness will make billions.

[[third-party pic ]]
(http://www.engrish.com/wp-content/uploads//2012/04/english-translation-menu.jpg)

And many thanks to the Journal of Improbable research for this gem:
“The bottle and the glass say to me: ‘Pour!’” Elisa De Stefani, Alessandro Innocenti, Nicolò Francesco Bernardi, Giovanna Cristina Campione and Maurizio Gentilucci, Experimental Brain Research, epub 2012. The authors, at the University of Parma and the University of Milano-Bicocca, explain:

    “the presence of the empty rather than filled glass affected the kinematics of the actual grasp. This suggests that an actually functional compatibility between target (the bottle) and distractor (the empty glass) was necessary to activate automatically a programme of interaction (i.e. pouring) between the two artefacts.”
-----------------

You know, I have always thought that myself.  Maybe I shouldn't have left academia.

"French will swarm into UK if Hollande triumphs in presidency race, warns Iain Duncan Smith... (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2140206/French-swarm-UK-Hollande-triumphs-presidency-race-warns-Iain-Duncan-Smith.html#ixzz1u558um9W)...French immigrants will pour into Britain if a socialist president is elected today...."

I thought about putting it into the 'way things are' thread, but it is too comical for that.

The standard of our cuisine might rise if IDS, against all rational assessment and past performance, turns out to be right just this once!  Tear down those barricades, goodbye chips and cheese on toast, hello pommes frites and croque monsieur.  I'll drink to that, make mine a Stella.

Hmnn, if the French all come over here then who will all those Brits in second homes talk to in Provence?

There is a good Anglo-Norman word that comes to mind, the mot juste in fact: idiot.

Another headline from today's Daily Mole that would have perplexed readers an hundred years ago: "Did drone strike kill mastermind of new underpants bomb plot?"

I need to code up a random headline generator....

Daily Mule kills at least FOUR birds with ONE stone (five if you include Chinese-sounding foreigners): "Cambridge University student who sat English exams for illegal immigrants in people-smuggling scam is jailed.  Junhua Yu, 24...."

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/virgin-launches-richard-branson-ice-cubes-upper-class-164457767.html

Monumental vanity ice cubes in shape of Richard Branson's head

Did you ever?

I have a story about that Richard Branson, but you'll have to buy me a drink.

Telegraph: "In Scotland, the number of grooming treatments bought by men has risen by three quarters, the biggest increase anywhere in Britain."

Another episode for the endearing Rab C. Nesbitt?

Joseph Glynn Farley, 45, stripped off all of his clothes (http://www.examiner.com/article/joseph-farley-nabbed-for-cruising-naked-on-a-unicycle)at the base of the  Highway 146 bridge in Kemah, about 30 miles south of Houston then mounted his unicycle and began pedaling his way across the 3745 ft. bridge.  Arrested.

Farley "told officers that he enjoyed the feeling of naked cycling."

[Third-party pic:] "Computer stabbed in raid"
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/epic-fail-photos-monday-thru-friday-justifiable-brutality.jpg)

We'd all like to do that sometimes...

Daily Male: (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2144549/Does-bum-look-big-Women-waste-2billion-year-unsuitable-clothes-thanks-bad-advice-men.html) "Women waste £2billion a year on unsuitable clothes thanks to bad advice from men.....
Seven out of ten men admit to lying to their partner when asked their opinion while out on clothes shopping trips - many stating they didn't want to hurt their other half's feelings."
------------

Somehow, I just knew it would be OUR FAULT

So - the Jubilee, a glorious outpouring of affection and celebration of our Queen.

And how does the Daily Telegraph put it?  Ah, yes:
"Sixty happy, glorious years of soaring house prices" (http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/finance/ianmcowie/100017589/sixty-happy-and-glorious-years-of-soaring-house-prices/)

ROFL.

Reporting staff of the Daily Moolah have clearly been holidaying in Israel, judging by a rash of offbeat articles about that country.  One of which caught the eye:
"New version of cannabis plant developed by scientists looks and smells like the real thing...but won't leave users high" (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2152903/New-version-cannabis-plant-developed-scientists-looks-smells-like-real-thing--wont-leave-users-high.html).  Good to see that Israeli scientists have felt motivated to do this.....

Celebrity photo gallery with a difference - read the captions in these Canada Globe & Mail photos (http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/arts/celebrity-photos/celebrity-photos-of-the-week-may-30/article2446691/), and laugh.  Make sure you get past the first one or two....

This is the kind of headline I love:
"Great Wall more than twice as long as thought" (today's Telegraph).

I look forward to:
"Spartans found to be quite sensitive really"

"Earth could be flat in places, say scientists"

"Beethoven feigned deafness to get out of washing up"

You can add your own.

A Lesson To Us All from Arizona (http://www.examiner.com/article/phoenix-woman-catalina-clouser-gets-dui-after-forgetting-child-on-car-rooftop?CID=examiner_alerts_article) (and recalls an incident in the film 'Raising Arizona' - I love the Coens movies.  Life imitating Art...)):
"This month’s mother of the year award goes to a 19-year-old Arizona woman who left her infant on the top of her car as she drove home from an alleged night of partying.

Catalina Clouser, 19, was arrested early Saturday morning after her occupied infant carseat was discovered sitting in the middle of a Phoenix road."

How civilized is your sense of humour?  Find out in the Taboo Hall of Fame (awkward Family photos) - http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/contests/taboo-hall-of-fame/page/1/

Third party pic (may not show in your browser if from the office):
[img width=500 height=303]http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/How_Do_You_Even_Do_That.jpg[/img]

McDonald's has disclosed (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/retailandconsumer/9345821/How-McDonalds-uses-Photoshop-to-touch-up-their-menu-burgers.html) how it makes its most popular products look their tastiest best for advertising shoots and campaigns by using Photoshop.

"Food styling"  indeed !

Here is one of Mrs Admin's chicken pies, not styled or photoshopped.  (She is strictly forbidden from making them until I have met my weight reduction target.  Meanwhile they are definitely a Banned Substance.):
[img width=500 height=432]http://residents-association.com/images/pies.jpg[/img]

Excellent recipe which I will make available on request to members whose subscriptions are up to date....

Ummm well reminded...

Have you got an online (paypal?) or bank transfer option yet for subscriptions yet!

;)

Afraid not.  In some ways the Association is Very Traditional.  Cash or cheque.

I must remember to pay mine! LOL 

Better change before 2018 then !

Now where is that cheque book ...

Scottish nannies:
Medieval weapons have been banned (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/history/9349339/Scots-disarmed-for-Bannockburn-parade.html), on health and safety grounds, from a march being held at the site of Scotland’s most famous victory over the “auld enemy”

It would be funny 'twere it not such a sad reflection on the nannying and over-regulation in which councils love to indulge themselves.

So I looked at the composition of Stirling Council.  Of 22 councillors, only five are women so there goes one theory of nannying.  The political breakdown is 9 SNP, 8 Lab,
4 Tory and 1 Green.  So it must be because they don't have any pragmatic residents' reps on their council.  I mean, residents' councillors wouldn't go in for nannying, now would they?...  ;)

Hooray - Alan Duncan issues memo (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9349970/Alan-Duncan-issues-memo-at-DFID-banning-jargon-words-like-going-forward.html)at the Department For International Development banning jargon words such as “going forward”, “leverage” and “mainstream”

I must tease ask my neighbour, who is DFID's H/Communications, about this!

Now, if only the rest of the Govt. cut out  cliches, euphemisms and wild exaggerations they might speak and write with  real meaning.

Couldn't help but notice in the same newspaper, "Lord Howe of Aberavon" (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/9268763/Imperial-should-be-ditched-in-favour-of-metric-in-time-for-Olympics.html) concerned Olympic visitors will think Britain living in its "imperial past".

Un film noir with a difference.  Highly recommended unless you're a dog.

According to a British satellite expert and government adviser (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/aliens-could-resemble-jellyfish-the-size-of-a-football-field-says-government-advisor-7920027.html), Dr Maggie Aderin-Pocock ...far from being little green men, aliens could actually look like giant jellyfish.

Well, that sound authoritative enough.....

Fireflies (http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/18736948) just like us really: dinner and bed.

"Male fireflies, known for attracting mates with a flash of light, also seduce with a gift, say scientists.  This comes in the form of a spermatophore: a package containing sperm and nourishment for the female.
Researchers from Tufts University in Boston, US, found that females preferred males that had the largest, most nourishing gift. "

Long, long time since I last saw a firefly, and that was in Portugal.  Perhaps their old ways are no longer working?

"aliens might come here for holidays" (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/ufo/9392888/The-UFO-Files-aliens-might-come-here-for-holidays.html)

You can tell it is the summer season 

[third party pic - may not show, but you can click it..:]
[url=http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/we-have-to-go-now-our-planets-need-us.jpg][img width=447 height=600]http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/we-have-to-go-now-our-planets-need-us.jpg[/img][/url]

Gauke: (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/consumertips/tax/9421590/Middle-classes-who-pay-cash-in-hand-morally-wrong-and-aiding-law-breaking-says-minister.html#mm)
"It is 'morally wrong' to pay tradesmen cash in hand, says David Gauke,  Member of Parliament (MP) for South West Hertfordshire and Treasury Minister."


I am interested in this, as for some time I have been contemplating the efforts of the privileged to avoid paying tax, and to get the government to avoid spending taxpayers money on the less fortunate while giving more public funds to bankers and other city folk; and to sell off our forests, and other assets to their supporters; I have been thinking of the vast amounts of money spent on foreign wars  which have not been fought for Britain's homeland security but for reasons of international prestige and subordinate US interests...and of useless expensive aircraft carriers with nothing to fly off them....  And I have been wondering whether with all the shameful, disgraceful news that daily pours from the sewers of parliament, the City and the commercially-owned media, Government is close to losing the consensual participation of ordinary citizens in our over-taxed and profligate system.

At the end of the  a/m Telegraph article there are, as I write, no less than 2,349 comments - not bad for a morning's work - and an astonishing high number, 1244, have endorsed the one with the best rating.  It reads

"....the government has long since ceased to represent anything I am willing to pay taxes towards. They have lost all sense of shame, all claim to moral justification; they have rigged the electoral process and betrayed the nation.

I am not interested in the slightest in their opinions of my morals."

Guido Fawkes has a couple of itneresting comments on Gauke:
http://order-order.com/2012/07/23/naming-and-shaming-the-morally-repugnant-david-gauke/
David Gauke MP claimed £10,248.32 expenses back from taxpayers to avoid paying the stamp duty and fees involved in the purchase of his home in London. Not only is that in his own words “morally repugnant”, it is beyond hypocritical to lecture others against doing what he himself did. It is shameless.


and:

http://order-order.com/2012/07/23/david-gaukes-wife-is-tax-avoidance-lawyer/
July 23rd, 2012
David Gauke’s Wife is Tax Avoidance Lawyer

This morning Guido named and shamed Treasury minister David Gauke – in his own words – as “morally repugnant” to be criticising others for their tax arrangements, but it doesn’t stop there. It turn’s out that Gauke’s wife Rachel is a professional support lawyer for Lexis Nexis, a company which boasts of its ability to “support every tax practitioner on the front line as they deal with the tax collector“. According to her personal profile Rachel “specialises in corporate tax law…and has advised on corporate restructurings, M&A, investment funds and finance“.

The poll at the head of the Telegraph article shows a huge majority of respondents - 73% - in favour of breaking the consensus on taxation by approving direct cash payments to useful tradesmen, and sod the taxman.  Interesting.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/olympics/swimming/9457088/Michael-Phelps-admits-we-do-pee-in-the-pool.html

Of course they do.  Just not from top board.

Well I'll be a Dutchman: Daily Express and Mirror get it wrong (http://www.thedrum.co.uk/news/2012/08/08/olympic-fck-daily-express-daily-mirror-mistakenly-uses-pictures-dutch-dressage-0)

Britannia Unchained: the rise of the new Tory far right

A group of five Conservative MPs including Dominic Raab are trying to seize the political agenda with some of the most rightwing ideas the party has seen in decades.

Raab believes the radical right's time is coming: "I'm a big Thatcher fan," he says, "The British are among the worst idlers in the world. We work among the lowest hours, we retire early and our productivity is poor".

“Too many people in Britain prefer a lie-in to hard work,” they said. The call for action is being made by five Tories from the “class of 2010” — Kwasi Kwarteng, Priti Patel, Dominic Raab, Chris Skidmore and Elizabeth Truss.

Their vision is laid out in a new book, Britannia Unchained.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/aug/22/britannia-unchained-rise-of-new-tory-right
http://www.standard.co.uk/news/politics/tackle-lazy-britain-fellow-tories-tell-david-cameron-8056787.html

Labour attacked the claims by the Tory backbenchers – and called on David Cameron to distance himself from their views. Chuka Umunna, shadow business secretary, said: "First they blame British businesses for their economic failures and now they blame the people who work within them, showing how out of touch the Tory party has become.

"Arguing that working Britons are 'the worst idlers in the world' is deeply insulting. People who work hard, play by the rules and pay their taxes shouldn't have to put up with Tory MPs calling them lazy – especially when prices are rising faster than their wages, their tax credits are being cut and Britain is in a double-dip recession made in Downing Street."

The photos of "Dirty Harry," as TMZ irreverently calls the Prince, are not much cop, really.  Do they pass the "so what?" test??  "Everybody knows better than to party naked in a room full of strangers without confiscating the cellphones. That's just Hollywood 101," said ABC News public relations consultant Howard Bragman, of Reputation.com. "There's always deniability, but once the photos are taken, you're caught." (see Anthony Castellano in Good Morning America (http://gma.yahoo.com/nude-photos-prince-harry-surface-online-111222721--abc-news-topstories.html))

All rather a tedious story?  Harry seems a good guy, and a willing lad,  though several of the Royals do not seem the brightest.  But as one chum said: "Would Queen Elizabeth at 27 have been naked partying with a nude man in a Vegas hotel?"  (Answer: never!)  Would Princess Margaret?  (insert your own answer)

.....so I looked up reputation.com, of course.  One of those outfits that try to fix what Google finds about you, and rewrites Wikipedia.

Who watched 'The Revolution Will Be Televised' on Beeb 3 yesterday night?

Recommended LOL

I hope they have good lawyers.

Hmnnn.  The second in the series was not too good though.  Pity.

You know there can't be that much wrong with the world when...
another Examiner exclusive...http://www.examiner.com/article/exclusive-bird-poop-resembling-michael-jackson-pulled-from-auction-site-monday

Bird cack dropped on a windscreen resembles deceased pop icon Michael Jackson.  Photo shown to support that.

“Everyone that’s seen it says it really looks like Michael Jackson,” said Tutor in an exclusive interview with Brian Gillie from Examiner.com.
Tutor was so impressed by the bird excrement he decided to start an online auction on eBay, offering an opportunity for unique collectors to take home the windshield adorned with the image many feel resembles MJ.
After just a couple of days, Tutor was forced to pull the auction after rain damaged the “King of Plop”.

astonished The Sun havent run with a "King of Plop" headline

Though it must gall any Englishman to say it, for many decades now it is in America that some of our cultural traditions, including language, show their most vigour. 

For political humour, cue the latest phenomenon of Eastwooding (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/eastwooding-makes-rounds-173242531.html) on the web, in the aftermath of Clint's botched speech at the Republican Convention.  Far more entertaining than the Convention itself - another dreary advertising campaign long on hyperbole and short on credibility or substance.

Third runway is back on the agenda - another broken Tory pledge....
http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2012/sep/05/heathrow-battle-third-runway-ministers

The Guardian would naturally report it this way, doesn't neccessarily mean anything yet.

Lets hope not!  The Independent has published a thoughtful leader on Heathrow expansion: http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/leading-articles/leading-article-another-runway-at-heathrow-is-no-solution-8106814.html

What's clear is that there is continuing hard lobbying by BAA and others for the third runway.  It is a cheaper option than a new and more sensibly-situated airport.  For some reason not clear to me, there does not seem to be similar pressure for an expansion of Gatwick (anyone explain that?) which avoids the insanity of a congested westerly approach over densely inhabited areas.

If the lobby succeeds - if not during this government then perhaps in the next one without a similar manifesto pledge - then the impact on Thames Ditton & Weston Green will be twofold:  a substantial increase in the number of overflights; and the inevitable pressure that will follow for improved access to Heathrow particularly from the SW across the river.  That will lead, as it always has done in the past, to pressure to put a road or railway across our commons as the cheapest solution.

Other rumblings in Conservative circles to allow green belt to be built on if an equivalent area is designated green belt elsewhere are dangerous to us in this context.  A six lane motorway across the commons, offset by a few acres more designated green belt near Cobham or further out in Surrey....

Think about it and direct whatever pressure you may have accordingly.  Do you want our area to look increasingly like Hounslow or Isleworth?

Further Heathrow expansion articles on

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2012/sep/06/heathrow-third-runway-noise-grows
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/aviation/9525643/Nick-Clegg-softens-approach-to-extra-runways.html

Worth asking Dominic Raab where he stands on this ?

I know it's worth continuing to live when I see headlines like this:
"British-designed skyscraper resembles big pants, say angry Chinese" (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/9520245/British-designed-skyscraper-resembles-big-pants-say-angry-Chinese.html)

Job advert is out for new Governor of the Bank of England.  Includes the challenging, and some would say mutually-exclusive criteria:
"The successful candidate will have experience of working in, or with, a central bank or similar institution; or will have worked at the most senior level in a major bank or other financial institution
...... and will be a person of undisputed integrity and standing."

LOL


Hey, Rakesh, will you be our candidate?  We need a Governor from Thames Ditton if the nation is to have any chance of financial survival.  You would have my vote.  Others? (if readers are mystified by this comment, see the Hook or Crook page in the latest TD Today)

Missssssssing: A 6.5ft snake is on the loose, last seen in Berrylands (http://www.surreycomet.co.uk/news/9925566.Missssssssing__Elsa_the_6_5ft_pine_snake_last_seen_in_Berrylands/?ref=surbiton.com)

Hmm for £300k a year? Well I'd certainly consider it!!!

;)

Sadly I doubt I qualify!!

Awwwww poor Elsa  .....  but I never go to Berrylands, and try not to breathe when the train passes through there..

A police station in Carlisle has been evacuated after a member of the public handed in a stick of dynamite. (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cumbria-19604907)

Very droll.

My only life experience with dynamite was at home in Godalming, years past now.  We had some guests to stay, including their three young children.  One afternoon I found many Tampons among the laurel bushes.  Investigation and interrogation of the twins revealed their origin: "We were playing dynamite sticks," they explained.

I was unable to keep a properly straight face. 

An annual toe-tapping treat, as the VF Hall puffs might describe it...
The 2012 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony takes place on Thursday, September 20, 7:15 pm (US Eastern Time) for 7:30 when the ceremony itself beginsat
Sanders Theater, Harvard University

Broadcast live on YouTube:  http://www.improbable.com/ig/2012/
Programme:
Two grand Paper Airplane Deluges, one at ceremony's beginning, the other at the midpoint
Keynote Address by Robert Kirshner
The 24/7 Lectures, in which several of the world's top thinkers will each explain her or his subject twice:
FIRST: a complete technical description in TWENTY-FOUR (24) SECONDS*
AND THEN: a clear summary that anyone can understand, in SEVEN (7) WORDS

    Roy Glauber (Nobel laureate in physics, 2005): The Universe
    Erika Ebbel Angle (Science from Scientists founder, Miss Massachusetts 2004): Mass Spectrometry
    Rich Roberts (Nobel laureate in physiology or medicine, 1993): Arsenic-based Life
    Dr. Elena Bodnar (Ig Nobel Prize winner in public health, 2009): Electro-muscular Incapacitation

World premiere of a brand new mini-opera: "The Intelligent Designer and The Universe" starring Maria Ferrante, Ben Sears, Roberta Gilbert, and Daniel Rosenberg, with pianist Patrick Yacono and accordionist Thomas Michel, MD, PhD. Conducted & stage directed by David Stockton.
Returning Ig Nobel Prize winners:

    Dr. Elena Bodnar (invention of an emergency bra that can be quickly converted into a pair of protective face masks)
    Mahadevan (mathematico-physics analysis of how sheets get wrinkled)
    Dr. Richard Gustafson (failure of self-administered automobile-engine-supplied-electric-shock treatment for rattlesnake envenomation resulting from patient's pet rattlesnake biting the patient on the lip)
    Dr. Francis Fesmire (digital rectal massage as a cure for intractable hiccups)
    John Senders (driving an automobile on a major highway while a visor repeatedly flaps over his face, blinding him)
    Dr. Deborah Anderson (the effect of Coca-Cola on sperm motility)
    Don Featherstone (creator of the plastic pink flamingo)
    Dan Meyer (the medical effects of swordswallowing)
    and perhaps others

Ceremonial band music by Nicholas Carstoiu and The Ig Leaves
Salutes to the Audience Delegations
The Win-a-Date-With-a-Nobel-Laureate Contest


Meanwhile, readers of Current Psychology,Volume 29, Number 1, 1-9 will have been fascinated by the paper "Eye color Predicts Disagreeableness in North Europeans: Support in Favor of Frost (2006)" where scientists ()  tested the hypothesis that  “light eyed individuals of North European descent would be less agreeable (a personality marker for competitiveness) when compared to their dark eyed counterparts, whereas there would be no such effect for people of European descent in general.” According to the findings, light-eyed (Northern European) persons are more disagreeable.

So much for my bad experiences with Swedish blondes with sky-blue eyes.  That explains it..

Another headline that would have astounded General Sir John Lambert GCB, veteran of Waterloo...

"Soldier gives birth at Camp Bastion

Woman believed to have been unaware she was pregnant..."

Nick Clegg sings I'm Sorry ()

Some of those are hilarious, aren't they?!

Meanwhile, I hereby serve notice that if anyone publishes photographs of me sunbathing topless within the curtilage of the house they will be pursued to the full extent of the law and brought to justice.

From Monday 24 Sep at 1100 BBC radio is running a series based on past diplomatic correspondence that deals with events which have their comic side.  See http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-19653492

By its nature, diplomatic life especially (but not only)  in further-flung, smaller and often more perilous posts calls for the outward stiff upper lip while within, one is convulsed with mirth.  The resultant reporting draws on the remarkable literary talents of the service and is aimed at internal readers who at once will recognise these situations from their own experiences.  Before the present era of instant electronic communications, considerable care was taken in drafting written letters, telegrams and (in the case of a Head of Mission) despatches, and the results had polish which I fear may well be lacking these days.  The BBC series digs them out of the National Archives.  I do hope they include the despatches concerning a certain dog in the Middle East, supplied to improve security if I recall correctly, which left a trail of destruction in the Residence including "only a few old rugs of my own" - as the then Ambassador reported.

If you want the full comic savour of diplomatic life, the old but good series of three small books by Lawrence Durrell (Esprit de Corps, Stiff Upper Lip and Sauve Qui Peut) are only slight invention, as any former colleague will acknowledge.

My own lips are sealed, of course.  Should you really be curious about one of our miners' leaders falling down a coal mine while drunk on a visit to an Eastern European country; Prince Philip and the striptease artiste; a hailstorm with stones the size of tennis balls that took out the roofs of all the houses in Maputo neater than Ian Smith's air force could have done;  the newly-lit flame of Independence in Zimbabwe that kept going out so they had to post a man with a cigarette lighter alongside it; our security guard who inadvertently shot himself in the finger; John Major's response to concerns about the legality of bombing Iraq; and a host of other vignettes, you will have to prise them out of me with drink. 

Gotcha:
[url=http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02345/Category-1-gorilla_2345776i.jpg][img width=500 height=312]http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02345/Category-1-gorilla_2345776i.jpg[/img][/url]

A commenter on a Telegraph article posts this amusing (but osobelievable) tale:
"

How Government Works.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of nowhere. Parliament said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Parliament said, "How does the night watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Parliament said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Parliament said, "How are these people going to get paid and administered?" So they created the following positions, two time keepers and four payroll officers, and then hired five human resources consultants and six health and safety executives.

Then Parliament said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative headquarters and hired fifty additional people including administrative officers, diversity and equality officers, legal secretaries and a chief executive on £500,000 per annum.

Then Parliament said, "We have had this in operation for over one year and we are £25,000,000 over budget, we must cutback the overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.
"

Tales from the City: (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/energy/oilandgas/7862246/How-a-broker-spent-520m-in-a-drunken-stupor-and-moved-the-global-oil-price.html)
"How a broker spent $520m in a drunken stupor and moved the global oil price
PVM Oil Futures trader Steve Perkins bought 7m barrels of crude in late-night trading binge on his laptop, driving the oil price to an eight-month high.....Mr Perkins told investigators that he had "limited recollection" of the entire episode, claiming he had placed the trades during a drink-induced stupor."

I liked the way the journalist worked this in: "...it is not known whether he has found alternative employment"

Astonishingly he did. This was a massive thing at the time although not surprisingly the article is a bit sensationalist.

"Woman ‘hid stolen TV between legs and then boarded bus’" (http://www.london24.com/entertainment/around-the-web/woman_hid_stolen_tv_between_legs_and_then_boarded_bus_1_1483778)

I missed that one!

Nobody challenged her...putting one and one together, I am not surprised!

Was it a wide screen?  :o

Forty-two inches, according to the report....!

Self-driving cars are now street legal in California (http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/technology-blog/self-driving-cars-now-street-legal-california-011626395.html), the third US state to welcome driverless cars ...

I can reveal that Modern Automobiles of Ditton (MAD) Ltd. is one step ahead in that we are working on cars that are not only driverless, but passengerless.  Road testing has been entirely satisfactory.  Test owner Mr C*** of Thames Ditton High Street reports that his car was able to drive from the High Street to Station Road and park opposite the station with no one in it at all, when he didn't go to work yesterday morning.

There may however be unexpected problems at choke points: trials early on Sunday morning, when villagers were judged to be safely asleep, revealed that several driverless cars attempting Station Road in opposite directions caused an eternal traffic jam as their programming would not permit them to drive up on the kerb.

Unfortunately a few Luddites are determined to prevent technological advance.  We spoke to Max Speed, who although living on the hi-tech Island of Colly's Ait which manages with no cars at all, was deeply depressed at the prospect of driverless cars obeying all the traffic rules.  "No fun," he pointed out.

But technology will not be so easily thwarted, as history proves, and MAD looks forward to marketing myriads of driverless and passengerless cars to congest the roads as they seek permissable places to park. 

This made me laugh:

"He [[ Cameron to Letterman ]] also revealed that it was thanks to TV that he was first recognised in the US, when he was walking in New York and a passer-by shouted: "Hey! Prime Minister's Questions! We love your show!""

Says it all.

The Daily Male (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2210784/British-men-bigger-penises-French-according-survey-manhood-sizes.html?ito=feeds-newsxml) - British men typically have bigger p*****s than their French neighbours - but are less well endowed than the Germans, new research has claimed.

I hope we did not pay for this research at Ulster University!

I could have told them that!  ;)

....and what else can you tell us, within the bounds of modern propriety?!

Sorry, I'm saving all my research to sell to people who have nothing better to do than publish papers on these things!

Image from Telegraph's live coverage...

(http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02362/boriscam_2362665a.jpg)

You supply the caption...

"I don't like the look of his tie"

"Bang, bang"

I like this story:
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/elderly-couple-accidentally-grew-biggest-cannabis-plant-police-had-ever-seen-8203085.html

And a fine shrub it is too, horticulturally speaking.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-man-dies-after-winning-cockroacheating-contest-8203139.html

And if you tweeted something sick about this tragic incident you could be imprisoned for 12 weeks

American Neurosurgeon visited Heaven in 2008 while in a coma and now promoting book called "Proof of Heaven: A neurosurgeon's journey into the afterlife"
- he first found himself floating above clouds before witnessing, "transparent, shimmering beings arced across the sky, leaving long, streamer like lines behind them."

He claims to have been escorted by an unknown female companion and says he communicated with these beings through a method of correspondence that transcended language. Alexander says the messages he received from those beings loosely translated as: "You are loved and cherished, dearly, forever." "You have nothing to fear."
"There is nothing you can do wrong."

Will it be on your Christmas List?

"He who knows the price of everything"....this article is very relevant to tory run Elmbridge. 

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/tories-please-note-money-isnt-everything-8210311.html

Good article on the emasculation of our language by recent censorious laws: http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/tomchiversscience/100185612/how-can-rudeness-be-criminal-the-best-insults-are-pure-poetry/

On a more positive note, the language has lately been enhanced by the phrase "fat-finger fiasco" - as in emailing Google's results prematurely to the stock exchange resulting in a trading write-down of $12bn.

Tomato sauce mafia:
An alleged counterfeit condiment operation (http://news.yahoo.com/why-counterfeit-ketchup-exploding-jersey-225058003.html) blew its cover, literally, when exploding bottles of repackaged Heinz ketchup became hard to ignore for the other tenants of a New Jersey warehouse.

Best police mugshot evah...  (third party pic this link if you can't see it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/10/11/sean-carl-payne-drunk-arrest-texas-best-mugshot-ever_n_1956953.html)

(http://i.huffpost.com/gen/810927/thumbs/r-SEANCARLPAYNEMUGSHOT-large570.jpg
)
Mr. Payne of Humble, Texas, was too drunk to stand up when arrested in Shamrocks bar

I like the pigeon story: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/defence/9649173/Quest-to-crack-secrets-of-lost-D-Day-pigeon.html

What interests me particularly is that the coded groups are clearly encyphered using a one-time pad.  These are/were supposed to be uncrackable if used correctly, and indeed were in use by Government  until at least the early 1980s.  So, noting that the SOE message has been passed to GCHQ, it will be very interesting to see whether they can crack it without having kept the other copy of the pad....(or have they kept that for seventy years, really?)

For anyone interested in the behaviour of pundits (or for that matter in market movements), the following amusing parable is lifted from journalist Ian Cowie:

"It’s November and the Native Americans on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he had an idea. He telephoned the National Weather Service and asked: “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

The meteorologist at the weather service responded: “It’s too close to call at this stage but this winter might be quite cold.”
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Can you give me any better forecast about whether it’s going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked. The weatherman replied: “We’ve never seen the Indians so busy collecting firewood.”"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/9673426/Im-A-Celebrity-Nadine-Dorries-fails-Bushtucker-Trial.html

I don't follow socalled "celebrity" stuff but this is funny.  Priceless comments.  Includes Dorries saying " “I fully expected this because I’m an MP and MPs are a conduit for public anger."  Doesn't she realise that they are the cause of it not simply a conduit for it??!!
More believable is “I did say there’d be rats and snakes and it’s just like work. I work in Westminster. "

And my neighbour tells me over the fence with glee that darts celebrity Eric Bristow "shocked" La Dorries by maintaining that the Commons was full of liars.

btw who was that lovely enthusiastic darts commentator who died earlier this year - the one who said of some enormous great fat darts champion after his third successive 180: "What an athlete!" ?  But I digress...

....to digress further - that's the first time for weeks that I have chatted over the fence to our friend and neighbour, so what happens but that Herself pops out of the kitchen arms akimbo to admonish "You men, always gossiping over the garden fence!"  And then starts up the vacuum cleaner....

World's worst (genuine) website names:
(http://sphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/302717_10151959961582662_551052946_n.png) (http://sphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/302717_10151959961582662_551052946_n.png)

Haha, brilliant

The recession is biting: http://www.getsurrey.co.uk/news/s/2124317_dip_in_multimillion_pound_elmbridge_home_sales_

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/renowned-british-scientist-jailed-for-four-years-in-tough-argentinian-prison-for-smuggling-cocaine-after-being-duped-by-criminals-posing-as-a-bikini-model-8340525.html

Connoisseur's item.  There's no fool like an old fool....  Professor who smuggled coke claimed he was duped by online poser as Miss Bikini World... but the evidence looks rather damning!

I rather like the succinct comment from his ex-wife who describes him as a naive fool but they still "remain close friends."

There has been great mirth on Twitter after Susan Boyle's record label used the hashtag #susanalbumparty to promote the launch of her new album.  ;D

First, Tunbridge Wells.  Next, it could happen here.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/bigfoot-on-the-loose-residents-report-an-eightfoot-hairy-apeman-with-demonic-red-eyes-stalking-tunbridge-wells-8344020.html

and today: "experts have admitted they have been unable to unravel the puzzle without knowing more about the cryptographic context in which it was sent. "
That's reassuring...

"GCHQ are appealing for the veteran codebreakers of Bletchley Park to volunteer for one last act of service for their country: cracking the D-Day carrier pigeon cipher"
That's not so reassuring LOL.  It all went downhill after Turing....

It's probably written in pigeon English!

::)

Midibob

Aaaarrrrgggghhh!

The Parent Rap:  " frameborder="0" allowfullscreen

Connoisseur's item:
"A man has been rescued in a "delicate incident" after he became impaled on a table leg in his loft in Hertfordshire. " (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-beds-bucks-herts-20484762)
The report leaves many unanswered questions.....

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/belgium/9703166/Belgian-discovers-his-wife-used-to-be-a-man-after-19-years.html

A harrowing story.

I daren't ask mine....!

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/hi-deliver-me-from-evil-church-sets-up-an-exorcist-hotline-to-deal-with-demand-8368988.html

New exorcism hotline  Monday to Friday from 2.30pm to 5pm.  "....one exorcist had been seeing up to 120 people a day. “But with so little time per client he was only able to offer a quick blessing. That’s not enough,”......Father Gabriele Amorth, who was the Vatican’s chief exorcist for 25 years, claims to have dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession."

But only operates in Italy.  So in Thames Ditton, who ya gonna call?  I looked in vain for a new link to add to this website's resources page.  The nearest I got was the Bishop of Monmouth: http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/need-to-read/2012/03/25/exorcist-bishop-called-in-to-purge-demons-from-welsh-souls-91466-30611204/#ixzz2DiaFAel5

What do you do when requiring this service?  (The leak in our kitchen roof has defied all rational diagnosis...)

This is the kind of headline I find irresistible!
London restaurant owner batters rat to death in the middle of environmental health inspection (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/london-restaurant-owner-batters-rat-to-death-in-the-middle-of-environmental-health-inspection-8376023.html)

Hitting the most vulnerable yet again

http://www.communitycare.co.uk/articles/05/12/2012/118750/more-pain-for-social-care-as-osborne-cuts-extra-445m-from-councils.htm?cmpid=NLC|SCSC|SCDDB-20121206-GLOB|news

The kind of newspaper reporting I live for:
"doomsday comes and goes without major incident"

Imagine Kim Wilde on the 23.36 to Hampton Court! I couldn't when I read about it!

Guilty as charged: British problems (http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/british-people-problems)

LOL.  Very good!

And now the Daily Mole (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2252426/KGB-finally-admits-bugged-Royal-Family.html):
"KGB admits it put listening devices in Princess Margaret's ashtray"

I pity the transcribers, all that wasted effort!

A very good and interesting piece by Antony Jay, elder scriptwriter (now 82) for Yes, Minister & Yes, Prime Minister, which is returning to our screens in today's politics.  As a civil servant at the time, I always felt that the scripts were the best kind of satire - only a slight extension of reality, and in good humour.  An inside job thanks to the authors' extensive research.  They've been doing the research again....  and Jay's comments are perceptive:

"our research made it clear that there had been a lot of changes in the 23 years since our last script. To start with, of course, the technology had moved on – it was now a world of tweets, mobiles, laptops and iPads – though the ancient red boxes had still not been replaced. And the people were different, too. The civil servants had lost some of Sir Humphrey’s effortless superiority, though underneath the facade there was still the same patronising attitude to the amateurs who were their political masters.

"There was more change in the politicians; back in the Seventies and Eighties many of them had a life outside politics, but now the majority seemed to have very little experience of life beyond Westminster. They had gone from university to jobs as political advisers and public relations consultants and then into Parliament without ever doing real jobs with real people.

"And yet, underneath it all, everything was surprisingly unchanged. All sorts and conditions of men may enter politics, with all sorts of motives and purposes, but as they rise to the top, the remorseless logic of power drives them into the same pattern of behaviour. It is not only true of politics. As Bagehot pointed out 150 years ago: “The summits of various business are, like the tops of mountains, much more alike than the parts below – the bare principles are much the same; it is only the rich variegated details of the lower strata that so contrast with one another.”

"What had changed, happily, were the issues that plagued the government. We had a welcome selection of new plot lines – financial meltdown, the euro crisis, Scottish independence, BBC antagonism, jobs for retiring permanent secretaries - to keep us going through six episodes.

"It was this underlying continuity that made it easy for Jonathan and me to pick up where we left off. It may have been 23 years since we last wrote a script together, but it might just as well have been 23 days. We clicked straight back into the old routine. The rich seam of political hypocrisy was certainly not worked out.

"In essence we were exposing the other half of a half-truth. The half displayed to the public was of public-spirited men and women ceaselessly and selflessly labouring for the good of the country and the welfare of their fellow citizens. The half we drew on for our comedy was of self-interested and self-important careerists preoccupied with status, power, publicity and money.

"I must say that the MPs’ expenses scandal occurred at a very convenient time to support our version. And there was another half-truth that served us well – the image of docile civil servants loyally and efficiently carrying out the instructions of their masters; the half we displayed was of arrogant and manipulative bureaucrats obstructing ministers and ruthlessly pursuing their own objectives.

"Of course, this was only half of the truth, but it did reflect something we discovered: deep in their hearts, most politicians respected civil servants, and deep in their hearts most civil servants despised politicians. Part of the problem of government is that ministers always take the credit for successes, which focuses civil servants on avoiding blame."

I shall be glued to the screen.  I do hope they haven't lost the knack, but this article suggests another good vintage.

This is where our council taxes go:-


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2256211/Surrey-councillors-blasted-spending-4-000-bonding-workshop-900-year-old-Farnham-Castle.html

in times of austerity thats disgusting, they should be made to pay it back

Totally agree! Forgot to say previously - I'm not normally a Daily Mail reader

I'll believe you ;)

Scenes from diplomatic life... "David Cameron today praised “our most advanced and capable transport plane" just moments before it got stuck on the runway on its way to assist the French in Mali. " (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/mali/9800099/David-Cameron-praises-C17-plane-just-moments-before-it-breaks-down.html)

So who's eaten horseburger, then?

Best/worst horseburger joke so far: "I went to the fridge to check my burgers.  They're OFF!"

It's also made in America, isn't it? - Boeing C17

But Britain still makes excellent lifestyle coaches, and (would you believe it) "sex coaches" (http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/a-visit-to-britains-first-statecertified-sex-coach-8449415.html)

http://www.radiotimes.com/news/2013-01-16/the-best-twitter-tesco-horse-burger-jokes

You've had Firebird, Bluebirds Over the White Cliffs of Dover and Wings of a Dove.  Now this: (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-21082873)Artist Kerry Morrison laid manuscript sheets on the ground in Liverpool parks and let birds deposit their droppings.

Composer Jon Hering has transformed the bum notes into a full musical score.

Morrison said the 20-minute Bird Sheet Music, to be performed at the Tate Liverpool art gallery, represented the role birds play in the environment.

Bird Sheet Music, indeed!  ROFL

For those who take a close interest in Neanderthals and read the Daily Mail (which I gather is their preferred newspaper), a headshaking story (http://news.yahoo.com/neanderthal-cloning-chatter-highlights-scientific-illiteracy-051317850.html) of how the rabble distorts a case.....

I love headlines like this: "Woman's Hour branded as "misogynistic" after dropping female expert for two men for debate on dearth of women speakers "  and "No willy? No Woman's Hour"

Is it just envy ?!

Do your own Googling.

Want to synergise your actionables, catalyze multistakeholders and use jazz as a strategic model for relative dynamism?  I thought so..... 

.....Business Week casts a cold eye on Davos: http://www.businessweek.com/articles/2013-01-25/in-davos-the-world-economic-forums-big-unintelligible-ideas#r=nav-r-story

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/energy/windpower/9837026/Wind-turbine-collapses-in-high-wind.html

Good grief!  What a shambles.  Country's going to the dogs...
[img width=500 height=312]http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02466/devon_2466296b.jpg[/img]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/9834097/Investigation-launched-into-prostitutes-at-a-care-home.html

Amusing selection of photos by the DT.  Interesting article to debate in the pub (pub-crawl topic??).  Full of stimulating terms and noteworthy customs - sexual enablement, red socks on door handles,  but all in all a serious policy perhaps, if a red sock to the Chastity Brigade bulls.

Will we see the Caring Homes flagship at the Home of Compassion adopting a similar enlightened policy, and how would residents feel about that?

Humour in the Wall Street Journal: "Mr. King could be said to have coined a new irregular verb: "I rebalance my economy, you competitively devalue, he has started a currency war."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-21499765  The Cosmos may be inherently unstable.

Y'know, I have often thought as much.

BBC: Stories like this (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-21534215) help to get a Friday off to a good start:

"An Irish publican has been prosecuted after police found dozens of "nuns" drinking illegally, several hours past closing time on his premises."  - read on.....

...with a wonderful agency picture

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2283248/Bute-Drug-tainted-horse-meat-entered-food-chain-claims-France-revealed-contaminated-produce-served-Queen-Royal-Ascot.html

Another collectors' item.

Cracking good Press Agency photo of Sodexo-sponsored racehorse churning up the turf at Ascot.  Can't help wondering what happened to it.

Oxted pram race moved due to "out of control" drinking.
(http://www.thisissurreytoday.co.uk/Oxted-pram-race-moved-worries-binge-drinking/story-18210675-detail/story.html#axzz2Luw9d4Dp)

NCT get togethers at the Swan sound tame in comparison!

hahaha thats bonkers.

LOL

A move to sustainable drinking.....

Another connoisseurs' item:
Bishops' lobbying pays off as supermarkets stock "Christian" Easter Eggs (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/9905933/Bishops-lobbying-pays-off-as-supermarkets-stock-Christian-Easter-Eggs.html)

LOL - as with Christmas, the strategic leadership of the Church was quick to adopt and adapt existing popular festivals to the new religion.  The Easter egg derives from ancient fertility festivals in spring to celebrate the goddess Yostre (whence 'Easter') - according to the Venerable Bede.  Church spinners have disputed this.  The latest brand marketing ploy with chocolate eggs (by The Meaningful Chocolate Company - !!) is well in the mainstream of history.  If perhaps a trifle tawdry?  The dispute with Cadbury's over the shade of episcopal purple also seems, well, closer to Earth than to Heaven.

Collectors' item: 
for those who collect comments on architecture and architects,  the Elmbridge Guardian publishes some dramatic quotes concerning the Premier Inn application in Walton:
Councillor Mary Sheldon (Con. Hersham North) said the design looked like it was “drawn by someone who is totally drunk” and Councillor Stuart Hawkins (Con. Walton South) likened the design to "Lego bricks you would knock down. "

See http://www.elmbridgeguardian.co.uk/news/10283481.Hotel_plan__drawn_by_drunk__refused_again/

(Planning application no. 2012/2931 (http://www3.elmbridge.gov.uk/WAM/showCaseFile.do?appName=planning&appNumber=2012/2931) and the elevations of this "modern" style building are here (http://www3.elmbridge.gov.uk/WAM/doc/Plans%20-%20Proposed%20Elevations-1472543.pdf?extension=.pdf&id=1472543&location=Volume2&contentType=application/pdf&pageCount=1) if you're interested)

All a question of taste.....

Onshoring at last: "Symington’s, a British food producer, is delivering arguably the ultimate blow to China, the one-time factory of the world, as it is transplanting noodle-making from Guangzhou to Leeds."

The normally sober Financial Times quips: "Nice wok if you can get it"...

See also (http://m.gmgrd.co.uk/sbres/73.$plit/C_67_article_2130740_body_articleblock_0_bodyimage.jpg?13%2F03%2F2013%2014%3A24%3A22%3A305) other quotes in the Advertiser: Councillor Roy Green said the design reminded him of "a prison in American films" and Cllr Christine Cross added: “It’s hideous. It’s like Prisoner: Cell Block H.”

It was of course Prince Charles who launched a famous attack on what he has termed  "brutal" and "insane" modernist architecture with his famous comment on the extension to the National gallery proposed by architects Ahrends Burton Koralek:  "What is proposed is like a monstrous carbuncle on the face of a much loved and elegant friend"

Indie: (http://www.independent.co.uk/property/house-and-home/property/estate-agents-forced-to-break-code-of-silence-on-defects-8546870.html) "consumer laws are applied to estate and lettings agents for the first time, This could force them to disclose details that may make homes on the market far less appealing to would-be buyers and renters.

In future, agents may have to reveal awkward facts such as a house being located on a noisy road, or having a smelly take-away or noisy club nearby, or if neighbours own badly disciplined pets " (http://"consumer laws are applied to estate and lettings agents for the first time, This could force them to disclose details that may make homes on the market far less appealing to would-be buyers and renters.

In future, agents may have to reveal awkward facts such as a house being located on a noisy road, or having a smelly take-away or noisy club nearby, or if neighbours own badly disciplined pets ")

Hmnnnn.  We shall see.  But if this is really the case it should lead to some entertaining estate agents' adverts.

And now: pork meat found in moose lasagna (http://news.yahoo.com/pork-found-ikeas-moose-lasagna-102028200--finance.html) ...
"Ikea says it has withdrawn 17,000 portions of moose lasagna from its home furnishings stores in Europe after traces of pork were found in a batch tested in Belgium."

Thames Ditton seems quiet, but elsewhere...

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/945633_568328506522778_298199917_n.jpg) (https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/945633_568328506522778_298199917_n.jpg)

Don't tell me  - this was the front page headline of today's Telegraph!!! (probably not)

City Am headline this morning: One Surrey borough pays more tax than Glasgow. Can you guess which one ?
http://www.cityam.com/article/one-surrey-borough-pays-more-tax-glasgow

Yes, this is the borough where the leadership caucus tell you how great they are, while they put CT up needlessly this year and are sitting on a £60m hoard of taxpayers' money.  In defiance of the national Conservative party leadership, whose view of them may be uncharitable.

http://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/bills/article-2342221/Fed-annoying-centres-Press-1--Millions-face-infuriating-delays-automated-phone-lines--heres-beat-them.html

Useful tips on finding a faster way through those endless infuriating automated call-centre calls...

Illuminating video of Elmbridge Conservative Councillor David Archer explaining how the council's planning process operates is on this link:

David http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9920986/Surrey-councillor-and-planning-consultant-They-call-me-Mr-Esher.html

Telegraph headline today: "Man slips on dividend worry"

......

[[ ah yes, they mean Man Group, described as 'the beleaguered hedge fund manager'... evidently an investor's banana skin]]

Apologies if posted elsewhere - I have been away.

This is a link to the health profile for Elmbridge.


http://www.apho.org.uk/resource/view.aspx?RID=50215&SEARCH=E*

You couldn't make this up!

Of all the tragicomic moments emerging from Nelson Mandela's memorial this story has to top the lot!

Sign language interpreter was a 'fake' (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/africa/nelson-mandela-memorial-sign-language-interpreter-was-a-fake-8997486.html)

Don't we live in a terrible world! What sort of people do we have running our country!

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/iain-duncan-smith-leaves-commons-debate-on-food-banks-early-9013917.html

Disgraceful - have you seen some of the smirks and jeers etc?

Our Prime Ministers Christmas message

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2013/dec/24/david-cameron-big-society-christmas-message

The House of Commons is a zoo.

Hansard of two centuries ago and more shows a very much higher level of debate than these days.

I hadn't come across these (https://twitter.com/GSElevator) before - hilarious!  Thanks to the New York Times for bringing it to notice - because their author has been outed.  http://dealbook.nytimes.com/2014/02/24/gselevator-tattletale-exposed-he-was-never-in-the-goldman-elevator/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_php=true&_type=blogs&smid=tw-share&_r=1&